Now days, the society is changing very rapidly, so many people think that the extended family (such as grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important
now than it was past while others say that the most impotance thing in our society is extended family. In my opinion, I agree about the topic. Now I'll use specific reasons and examples to uphold my opinion.
NOWADAYS라고 해야 할 듯. 문장이 너무 길어요. SO 라고 할 필요 없이 그냥 끊고 시작해도 돼요. LESS IMPORTANT THAN PAST. OTHERS--는 그냥 템플릿때문에 쓴 듯. 그러기보다, ALTHOUGH SOME STILL CONSIDER EXTENDED FAMILY SERIOUSLY, MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT ------. 그 다음에 IN MY OPINION 필요 없구요. I AGREE WITH THE ABOVE STATMENT IN ----, ---, AND ---. 이렇게 해도 돼요.
First, I believe that the extended family (such as grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was past because of occupation. In the past a lot of families lived together because of agriculture. Korea was agriculture country, so people needed a lot of human power. Therefore, family's member can't live alone or go another place. But these days, people think the most important thing is technology not human power, because the machine fill up the human power blank. In Korea, all 정말 모두가 원할까요? people want to get a job. So they go another area to get a job which located very far from WHERE they live. And then they live there to work. For example, Koreans after graduate, they leave from their parent to get a AN occupation. After get occupation they marry and they get house to live. In other wordS, they CONSIST become nuclear family
앞에서 EXTENDED FAMILY 가 무엇인지 얘기했으니까 또 설명할 필요 없어요. BECAUSE OF 가 너무 자주 쓰이네요. LESS IMPORTANT를 자꾸 반복하지 말고, BEFORE, OUR SOCIETY RELIES ON THE EXTENDED FAMILY DUE TO ITS OCCUPATION. 이렇게 하면 좀 다양하게 표현이 되겠죠. LIKE OTHER COUNTRIES, MAIN INDUSTRY IN KOREA WAS AGRICULTURE, AND IT REQUIRES A LOT OF HUMAN POWER. 농사가 힘이 필요하다고 해서 가족이 이사 못가는 것은 아니죠. 교통수단이 발달하지 않거나 직장 구하기가 힘들면 못떠나겠지만.
최근에는 TECHNOLOGY에 의존한다라고 해야지요?
Second, I believe that the extended family (such as grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was past because of daughter-in-law and mother-in-law conflicts. CHRONIC CONFLICTS BETWEEN DAUTER-IN-LAW AND MOTHER-IN-LAW HAVE MADE PEOOPLE DISLIKE EXTENDED FAMILY. In the past, in In Korea, there exist Confucian DUE TO PREVALENT CONFUCIANISM IN KOREA FOR MORE THAN FIVE CENTURIES, so daughter must obey and respect hers HER mother REGARDLESS OF LOGIC. without reasons. So if the daughter has complain she can't express. SO, EVEN THOUGH THE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW HAS COMPLAINT, SHE COULD NOT EXPRESS IT. But now is not. BUT, THE SITUATION IS CHANGED TODAY. People thought PEOPLE'S THOUGHT have changed that all people can express their emotion and they can say what they want to say. So the daughter DUATHER IN LAW protest to mother MOTHER IN LAW, finally they BEGAN TO FIGHT fight. They would feel they can't live together so the daughter and HER HUSBAND hers husband move to another place to stop live together. It means that they become nuclear family.
To conclude, I think that extended family is less important now than it was past.
I agree about the topic and I have asserted my opinion with specific reasons.
전반적으로, 아이디어는 좋은데, 글의 구조를 잘 생각해 보시고, 반복되는 문장들을 피하세요. 템플릿에 너무 얽매이지 마시고....
화이팅 (참, 제 코멘트에 오류 많을 거에요. 그냥 주욱 쓴 거니까요)
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