People, especilly educators, often disscuss which is better between studying at home by using computers or television and studying at traditional school.
à especially 를 문두에 붙이시면 이 글의 주제가 educators 의 문제로 여겨질수 있습니다. Introduction 은 일반적인 서술로 시작되는것이 좋으만큼 especially 는 빼는게 좋습니다 (이 문제가 educators 의 이슈로 시작하고 싶으면 차라리, Educators often discuss…라고 시작하는게 좋겠죠). 굳이 educators 를 넣고 싶으시면 not to mention 또는 as well as 같은 문구를 넣는 게 좋을것 같습니다.
à Introduction 은 앞으로 서술한 주제의 일반적은 화제거리를 진술하는 겁니다. 단순히 which is better 이라고 말하는 것보다는 어떤점에서 좋은지에대해서 전반적인 설명을 하는게 좋습니다. 님이 쓰신글을 읽어보니 학생들의 교육방법에 초점을 맞추고 있는듯하니 which is a better way of learning for students 라고 구체적으로 설명해주는게 좋겠습니다.
I stronly believe that studying traditional school is better than studying at home because of the assistance of experts;teachers, and developing socilites. I will present briefly these two reasons supporting my ideas in this essay.
à 이 부분 서술에 있어서는 이 글의 토픽을 아는 것이 아주 중요합니다. 님께서는 님이 서술하신 내용의 문제토픽을 안써놓으셨는데, 만약 이 문제가 그냥 agree or disagree 에 관한 내용이면 그냥 두가지 논쟁에서 하나만 잡아서 거기에 대한 supports 가 쓰시면 됩니다. 그러면 님의 Thesis statement는 “I believe that nothing can replace studying at traditional school as the best way of learning” 가 될 수 있죠. 하지만 문제에서 요구하는 것이 compare and contrast 라면 님의 Thesis statement 는 지금 님이 쓰신대로 “I strongly believe that studying at traditional school is better than studying at home” 처럼 비교급을 이용한 문장이 될겁니다. 여기서 주의하실것은 앞의 형식의 이 형식이 틀린점은 앞의 형식은 나중에 본문의 supports 에서 굳이 집에서 컴퓨터로 공부하는것이 돼 안좋은지를 서술하실 필요가 없습니다. 하지만, compare and contrast 문제에서는 님의 supports 문장은 학교에서 공부하는해서 좋은점에 집에서 공부해서 안좋은점이 같이 제시되어야 한다는 겁니다. 이 문제가 compare and contrast 문제가 아니라는 가정하에 님이 쓰신대로 써보면,
Many educators often discuss which way of learning is a better for students between studying at home using technology-driven materials such as computers or television and studying at traditional school. I strongly believe that nothing can replace studying at traditional school as the best way of students’ learning. The major reasons behind my belief are based on benefits that only students can obtain from learning at traditional school settings.
à 지금 님이 짧은 에세이에서는 굳이 “I will present briefly these two reasons supporting my ideas in this essay” 라는 문장으로 introduction 을 마무리 하실 필요가 없습니다. 이런 문장은 주로 긴 페이퍼에서 많이 쓰죠.
First, students can receive the assistance of teachers by studying at traditional school.
Of course, studying at home is somewhat positive because students can have their own time as well as feel a sense of accomplishment. In my opinion, however, the assistance of teachers eclipses this advantageous of studying at home. I think students have to get teacher's opinions since they can experience trial and error in studying. Also, teacher provide students with the path of their future, correcting their mistakes or weak points and finding their aptitudes. In this way, teachers can play an important role in students' lives.
à “Of course, studying at home is somewhat positive because students can have their own time as well as feel a sense of accomplishment. In my opinion, however, the assistance of teachers eclipses this advantageous of studying at home.” 이 문장들은 님의 첫번째 topic sentence 바로 다음에 나온 문장입니다. 이 문장에는 님의 topic sentence 를 뒷받침하는 내용이 하나도 없는 수사학적인 문장들로 이루어져있습니다. 어떻게 말하면 껍데기 밖에 없는 문장이지요. 오히려 님이 쓰신 뒤에 문장들이 바로 topic sentence 에 나와야 됩니다. 그리고 이런 수사학적인 문장들은 문단 마무리로 쓰시는게 좋습니다. 이걸 고쳐보면,
First, students can receive the assistance of teachers by studying at traditional school. Since students are on the stage of learning by trial and error, having teachers, who can give them immediate feedback and careful responses is greatly important to improve their study skills. Also, teachers provide students with a light on the path of their future by finding students’ weak and strong points as well as their aptitudes. By doing this, teachers can exert positive influence on student’ lives, which is hardly possible through studying at home with any advanced technologies.
Second, studying at traditional school has a positive impact on developing students’ social skills. Getting along with a lot of classmates, students can learn how to interact with their peers and control their behaviors or anger. This experience helps students develop their social skills. According to William James in his article, "the relation between sociality and the activities of school", nearly 80% of students who are studying at school have a higher level of the ability of social skill compared to those who are studying at home. If students spend their time socializing with peers, they will expend their human network and, consequently, their confidence in interpersonal relationships will increase. This illustrates the importance of studying at traditional school.
To sum up, I firmly argue that studying at traditional school is more beneficial to students than studying at home using computers or television. This is because students not only get positive help from their teachers but also improve their social skills. In all, even though technology is developing day by day, studying at traditional school is the most important principal of students’ educational philosophy.