Provided the unexpected money, most people hesitate about how to use it. If someone is received such money and have to judge to use all of it for going on vacation or buying a car, some people strongly believe that buying a car is better choice than going on vacation for convenience and permanent utility. Suppose that a friend of mine is in such situation, however, I strongly recommend him to go on vacation for restoring human relationship such as household and filling up the shortage of his experience.
1) Provided는 접속사 아닌가요...마치 전치사처럼 쓰셨네요.
2) 사람은 돈을 '받음을 당하는 것(수동)'이 아니라 '받는 것(능동)'이죠. is received 가 아니라 receives.
3) have to judge -> has to judge. 단순한 동사 수일치는 결코 틀리면 안됩니다.
4) is better choice -> is a better choice. 단순한 관사 문제도 결코 틀리면 안됩니다.
5) than은 비교에서 사용되는건데, 아스트로님이 쓰신 문장은 비교 문장이 아닙니다. that을 rather than(~하기 보다는 오히려)로 바꾸세요.
6) suppose의 용법을 좀 오해하신 것 같네요. 상당히 어색합니다. however 도 그렇고요. 어떠한 의미를 전달하고자 하신 건지 좀 clear하지 못하네요.
7) 앞에서 가정을 하셨으므로, 뒤에서도 의미를 좀 약화시켜 주세요. I strongly recommend him이 아니라 I would strongly recommend him 으로요.
8) household(집안일)이 어떻게 인간관계(human relationship)이죠?????
On one hand, the worth of going on vacation is more valuable than buying a car. It is mainly attributed to the fact that a travel gives the tourist innumerous and variety experience for his future and strengthens the relationship of his family. The memories of tour are unforgettable and greatly influence the traveler’s all life. When I had first vacation in Univ., for my experience, our family had a tour on the southwestern California, using the income of my first semester’s part-time job. In the beautiful beach of La Jolla, I felt the affection of our family and regained the intimacy that I lost for the entrance exam for Univ. More over, the laboratories of the universities, such as Scrips Univ. and UCSD, made me rouse my low passions for the pursuit of learning. Although I spent too much money for the trip, I got the more important things in my life. Consequently, going on the vacation provides the variety experiences and the chance for him to restore his human relationship.
1) variety -> a variety of 혹은 various
2) the relationship of his family -> the relationship with his family
3) all life 이란 말이 상당히 거슬리네요. the rest of his life 가 어떨까요?
4) get은 사용하지 마세요. 너무 informal한 느낌입니다. things도 그렇고요. I acquired more valuable assets.라고 바꿔보면 어떨까요?
5) 가족여행을 떠나서 친밀감을 되찾은 과정이 전혀 없네요. 여행만 떠나면 무조건 그렇게 되는건 아니잖아요? 설득력을 갖기 위해서는, 여행에서 어떠한 과정을 거쳐서 친밀감을 되찾았는지 써주시는게 좋을듯.
On the other hand, some people, especially in metropolitan, believe that buying a car is more important than going on vacation. It is largely because having a car brings them to the comfortable life and has the semi-permanency, lasting for a long time. When the Korea Railroad, KORAIL, gave up their business one month ago, I couldn’t purchase any train ticket from Busan to Seoul and then come back the next day by bus. If I have my car, I would not be influenced by their strike and need to adjust my schedule. And after one payment for a car, it requires nothing without oil. So, if someone buy a car, he could get the convenience for at least 10 years without more expenses, while too much money is required for travels every time. Accordingly, after the first payment, buying a car make our life comfortable without a large expenditure.
1) in metropolitan -> in metropolitan areas
2) brings the comfortable life to them 라고 바꿔 쓰셔야죠.
3) gave up? 파업을 말씀하시려는 건가요? 좀 자세히 말씀해 주셔야 할 듯. temporarily gave up their business due to the strike 라든가...
4) come back이 마치 couldn't 에 같이 걸리는 것 같아요. and has to come back 으로 바꿔주시면 의미가 명확해 질 듯.
5) 의미가 잘 안통하네요. after one fully pays for a car, it requires no costs except for fueling. 이 더 명확하지 않나요?
6) So는 부사에요. 접속사가 아닙니다. 절대 문장 앞에 so를 세우지 마세요. Therefore가 더 좋습니다. 혹은 And so라고 쓰시던가요.
7) 단순히 more expenses라고 하시지 마시고, additional expenses라고 바꿔주시는 센스?
8) after the first payment는 마치 "첫 번째 할부금을 낸 이후"라고 읽히는데요? first가 아니라 full 이 더 좋겠어요.
In a nutshell, considered that a friend of mine is too much young, without the slight doubt, I would advice him to go on vacation. Although I can not say that the worth of going on vacation is more important than that of buying a car, I surely think that, since my friend is youthful, the former is more beneficial to my friend than the latter. This is natural because, to young persons in early 20s who have fiery passions for future, some incitement through going on vacation that might give them the turning point of life for their bright future is more important than a little of convenience through buying a car.
1) considered -> considering
2) "젊기 때문에 경험이 중요하다"라고 말씀하시네요? 앞에선 그런 말 없었잖아요? 결론은 본론의 요약이 되어야 하는데, 결론에서 새로운 내용을 전개하시면 안되죠~