‘When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success.’ Do you agree or disagree?
I am yet a student, though I find myself successful in few areas. I do not mean successful as in lived a successful life; instead, I am referring to my experience, which I believe was due to luck. By luck, I became successful in singing in front of people, in other words, I became enthusiastic enough to go up on stage.(be clear and brief. You might say: à Of course, I do not mean successful financially, but what I mean by being successful is that I have achieved at least things that I was eager to accomplish such as: singing in front of people on stage and being selected for membership of the National Honors Society (NHS) at school.) Also, I always wanted to be in the National Honors Society at school; I brought this off by finally being inducted by the NHS. I would like to build up on what I have mentioned so far throughout my essay (You have to mention your purpose of mentioning all these two points which is, opposing to the idea that luck has nothing to do with success.)
As I have mentioned in my introduction, I would like to talk first about singing.(too obvious, you do not have to mention this again) Since I was young, I enjoyed singing very much, and still do (Since I was young, I have enjoyed singing very much). Though, (Though is conjunction; you cannot leave this with comma) since I was awfully shy, I never had the chance to sing in front of people, which I always dreamed of (Use a clearer way to deliver your idea à Even though singing in front of people had always been a dream of mine, I had never had a chance of it because I was awfully shy) . As I watched movies such as (If this movie was the only movie which did help you to get rid of shyness, you shouldn’t have used “such as”), A walk to remember, I was mesmerized by the voice Amanda had (by the voice of Amada, who was one of the main characters in the movie), and also her position (what do you mean by the position?) to sing in front of people. Albeit getting voice lessons (Did you actually get a voice lesson? If that’s the case, you should explain that you have received voice lessons to improve your singing skills – the use of “albeit” fits if you explain more about your voice lessons), I realized that this had nothing to do with getting rid of my shyness (If you want to use “albeit” you better put this way à Albeit voice lessons, my shyness didn’t disappear). However, through the year, I was lucky enough to blow off my prejudice (Have you ever explained what your prejudice was?). In our school, December 13 is Arts Day. On this day (either “On Arts day” or “In this day”), students can sign up to do whatever they want to do in front of people in the theater. I took the risk and decided to try singing (to sing in front of people). When the day came, I was just so eager to get up on stage. Once I got up there, I was successful in captivating the audience. The song I sang was from the movie, A Walk to Remembe (movie: you have to underlined or italicized). People applauded for about a minute--I am assuming their clapping was because they were impressed by my eager attitude and enthusiasm-- I still remember that impressive day. The reason I am talking about singing in my paragraph is due to my intention to talk about how luck affects people in becoming successful.
à Thinking points:
1/ Was it your problem that you were too shy to sing in front of people on stage? Having this “shyness” problem, how could you be so eager to get up on stage?
2/ If your shyness was your problem to be a successful person to some extent, how did you overcome this shyness? It is not clear that you overcame your shyness due to your luck.
3/ I cannot clearly understand that watching the movie, “walk to remember” does something to do your success. Did it help you get rid of your shyness? If yes, how?
In this paragraph, I would further like to talk about how my academic carrier had a lot to do with luck. (Instead of introducing you’re the paragraph, you better naturally start with “Moreover, my another success was purely due to luck rather than my efforts or hardness”) When I was in the ninth grade, I looked up to the juniors and seniors who got nominated by the National Honors Society (You better briefly introduce what the National Honors Society; why it was one or your goals to; that more makes sense that it is hard to be selected by the NHS, so being membership of the NHS can be called “being successful”). I never thought that I would have the chance to be inducted by NHS (the National Honors Society) (Since you already mentioned that you were selected by the NHS, you have to say: either “I had never thought that I would have a chance to be inducted by the NHS” or “I never thought that I would have had a chance to be inducted by the NHS”). Though, without having NHS in mind, I thought that it was fun and exciting to get CAS (You have to briefly mention what “CAS” stands for) credit by doing service activities and attending several of school activities. I did not know how many CAS credits I had until a letter came from the NHS. They wrote to me about how impressed they were about my service activities, and that they wanted to have me inducted by the NHS (They wrote me a letter that how impressed they were about my service activities and that they wanted to have me inducted into the NHS). Would people not say that this was luck? (This point, I would say that this was not your luck but you fully deserved to be honored because you had worked hard and participated in many activities; you were just not aware that it was possible that you are enough to be invited to the NHS) Who would have thought that getting in to NHS was possible by doing service activities? I found this very surprising and was grateful at the same time. This is why I disagree to the statement; luck has nothing to do with success. (The statement = luck has nothing to do with success à You should use “that” or colon (:) à This is why I disagree to the statement that luck has nothing to do with success OR This is way I disagree to the statement: luck has nothing to do with success.)