There are many places where people want to spend their vacations for two weeks. Some love to spend their vacations in Europe because they are able to visit cultural sites of the middle age, while others like to visit Japan close to Korea, my country. In my opinion, I would rather choose the visit to USA because there are many places in USA I expect to go in my childhood and many friends of mine living there.
1) while -> whereas
2) I expect to go -> I expected to go
3) living there -> live there
First of all, there are many places in USA where I want to visit from my childhood. I like to watch the foreign movies and the movies specially filmed in Hollywood are my favorites. If I have the opportunity to travel in USA, I would spend most of time in Hollywood. Maybe I run into Hollywood Stars in the streets and watch the process of making a film. It will be my unforgettable memory in my life to see these sights and Stars. Additionally, USA has many naturally spectacle sites like grand canyon, Rocky Mountains, Niagara Falls, Yellowstone Park and so on. The land of North America is so large that I cannot have time enough to visit all of them in two weeks. However, only visiting one of them will satisfy my mind with great happiness.
1) I want to visit from my childhood -> I've wanted to visit since childhood
2) the movies specially filmed in Hollywood are my favorites 는 말이 안됩니다. 차라리 especially, those filmed in Hollywood are my favorites 라고 쓰세요. special과 especial의 차이점을 상기해 보심이 좋을 듯 합니다.
3) It will be my unforgettable memory -> it will be an unforgettable memory
4) have time enough to visit -> have enough time to visit
5) only visiting one of them will satisfy my mind with great happiness 라고 하면 '하나만 방문해야지 만족한다'라는 뜻으로 들릴 수도 있습니다. 따라서, visiting only one of them will still satisfy... 로 바꾸시는게 좋을듯.
6) 이 문단에서 2개의 주제를 이야기하고 계십니다. 하나는 '헐리우드'이고, 다른 하나는 '경치'이죠. 두 개의 이야기를 하시려면 문단을 두 개로 나누세요. 한 문단에서 여러 주제를 이야기하면 보는 사람 눈이 피곤합니다...일도일사의 원칙!
Moreover, many friends of mine live in USA, thus I want to have the chance to meet them and talk about their lives and families. One of them is my friend who has gone to the same college with me. When we were the students of the college, we spent much time together in thinking about our future and being worried about the problems we had then. After graduating the college, I spent my time in military service and he went to the USA in order to study more the philosophy in New York. Thus, I am willing to visit him and talk to each other about our lives. He also will be happy to see me in New York where he has few friends in. Other friends who I want to meet are studying somewhere in USA or working in a company. Meeting friends in other countries is my great pleasure to visit the country and they will provide me with a lot of information of travel in the country where they live. That’s why I want to visit USA in advance.
1) thus -> and thus. thus는 부사이지 접속사가 아닙니다. 주의하세요.
2) One of them is my friend who has gone to the same college with me 은 말이 안됩니다. 일단, 앞 부분에서 내 친구들 이야기를 하신 후, 바로 뒤에서 '그들 중 하나는 내 친구인데'라는 말을 하시면 안됩니다. 사족이 엄청나게 큰 셈이죠. 또한, '같은 대학을 다녔다'라는 말을 'my friend who has gone to the same college with me'라고 하시면 뜻이 매우 이상해집니다. 차라리 '...my friend who studied at the same college as I did. We used to gather together and have much fun together.'라고 하시는게 어떨까요.
3) After graduating the college -> After graduating from the college
4) study more the philosophy -> study more on the philosophy
5) where he has few friends in -> where he has few friends
6) Other friends who I want to meet are studying somewhere in USA or working in a company -> Other friends who I want to meet are studying or working somewhere in USA.
7) That’s why I want to visit USA in advance. 에서 in advance는 불필요한 표현인듯 합니다.
In conclusion, if I have time to travel other countries, I will spend my leisure time in USA. The reason why I want to go to USA firstly is that there are many places where I wanted to visit since my childhood and there are also many friends of mine in USA whom I like to meet and talk to.