253 글자네요. 문법적인 실수는 많지 않네요. 하지만, 문장들이 많이 부자연스럽습니다. 콩글리쉬처럼 느껴진다고나 할까요.
TWE 영작을 많이 써보시기 보다는, Native가 쓴 고급 영문장들을 많이 접하시고 많이 익혀두시는게 도움이 될 듯 합니다.
To a large extent, the past is the present and present is the result of the past. In many cases people doesn’t recognize how much powerful the past affects their present. What has happened already, made us what we are now. Now, we should get to know the value of the past, because it determines the present and it helps us to predict the future.
1) the past is the present 라는 말이 무엇을 의미하시고자 하는 것이죠? "과거는 현재이다"라는 말은 뭔가 상징적인 표현을 하시고자 하는 것 같은데요, 그렇다면 부연설명을 뒤에서 좀 해주셔야 하지 않을까 싶네요. 너무 쌩뚱맞잖아요?
2) people doesn't -> people don't
3) how much powerful the past affects 에서 powerful은 affects의 부사이기 때문에 powerfully 라고 해야 문법에 맞습니다. much는 빼시고요.
4) What has happened already, made us what we are now. -> What has happened already made us what we are now. 콤마는 불필요하죠.
5) because it determines the present and it helps us to predict the future. 에서 반복되는 주어 it는 생략해주시는 센스.
First of all, things happened past affect present so past itself has valuable meaning. If someone is going to lose weight by 10 pounds, he would cut the meal as half as usual and exercise regulary. Unless he might fail, then the barometer of analyzing the conclusion should be the past behaviors. Maybe he eat whatever he wants, little workout blaming for weather or conditions. It is easy to understand current things with knowledge and analyze of the past.
1) things happened past -> things happened in the past
2) so는 부사이지 접속사가 아닙니다. and so 라고 하셔야 맞습니다.
3) as~as는 ~만큼 ~한..이라는 뜻입니다. "평상시의 절반"이라는 표현을 하시려면 이렇게 하심 안되죠. 차라리 cut the meal to half the usually amount 라고 해야 하나...그래도 좀 이상하네요. 암튼, as~as는 안됩니다.
4) Unless 가 이런 식으로 쓰이는 건 처음보네요. 좀 어색한듯. 그냥 If he succeeds 라고 하는게 깔끔할 듯 합니다. 어라, 근데 뒷 문장들을 보니까 '그가 실패한다면'이라는 의미를 표현하시고자 한 듯??? 그럼 아예 거꾸로 쓰신거네요.
5) conclusion 은 '결과'가 아니라 '결론'입니다.
6) eat -> ate
7) little workout -> did little workout
8) blaming for weather or conditions -> blaming weather or conditions
9) analyze -> analysis
Furthermore, the past makes us to predict the future, the past composed of many events, political relationship, interactions and human being’s emotions. It would be adapted to the future, so that we can infer the future incidents and learn what we should do. Nowadays formal education teaches history for mandatory. That means there are valuable things to learn from history.
1) the past를 동격어구처럼 쓰셨는데요, 왜죠? 무슨 의미지? 모르겠네요.
It is necessary for us to learn about the past because present is the conclusion of the future and learning the past gives us a tip to live more wisely. That is why few things are more important for us here in the present than learning about the past.