long vacation or short vacations? 이거 중학생님 쓴거 보고 전 반대로 써봤는데요.. 역시 내공이 딸려요..-- 중학생님 함 봐주세요^^ - 잘 못하더라도 봐드림... |
First, it is better to state a general knowledge or fact in the first sentence.^^ for example, Vacations are desired by all students around the world.'Then you can slowly approach to your thesis statement, which is, in this essay, one long vacation is considered better. - advice from 중학생... I believe the introduction is the most momentous part in the essay.. Therefore, I always try to come up with something fresh and new; also keep in mind that the purpose of writing an introduction is to attact attentions of readers. I will just point out errors and awkward sentences.. is that okay??
I agree that students should have one long vacation each year. In Korea, students have two long vacations in summer and winter; winter vacation goes for almost three months. Therefore, students can make their plans for vacation. However, one long vacation can have drawbacks; students don’t have time to relax and refresh their minds. Most of students enjoy long vacations, some students go overseas for a purpose of a trip or of pursuing their hobbies which they cannot do in school - what hobbies are you talking about? You must be specific everytime you write. Also you had better not say drawbacks of your opinion, just tell only the good points of your statements. First, Students are able to prepare for vacations by deciding their plans for the holidays. (These two sentences are disconnected) Even some students have a part time job for their tuition fee, which is very important for the continuation of studying and living. If students are in financial needs , they would not be capable of attending school anymore; So that long vacation can be beneficial for them. Moreover, one long vacation give students turning points because they may have various experiences which promote their inspiration of their life. Second, reflecting my own experience, I had a chance to go to Canada for learning English in my winter vacation when I was a freshman in university. Because of a winter vacation, I was able to go there. I learned not only English, but also I had priceless experiences which make me have an open mind and flexibility of thinking. So that I strongly agree that a long vacation is better for students. In sum, a long vacation each year can give an opportunity for devoting each and every attention and strength to their studies, which a school life cannot offer. Also make them have many experiences such as visiting foreign countries. Needless to say, one long vacation is much better to students for their future.
Comment: Generally, I think you tried hard to produce a good essay. I can see that. However, I recommend you to study a bit more of grammar and sentence structure. I wish you a good luck |