▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly,
taking care of their young children plays a significant role in people’s daily
lives in many of the places where they play and work. Some people think that
parents should take care of their young children, while others think that their
eldest should take care of young children differently. Both sides may have their own
reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that
eldest should take care of young children. There are several reasons as
follows for the following subsequent reasons.
To begin with, when eldest takes care
of young children such as younger brother or sister, it can contribute to an
increase in their overall happiness people's happiness can be enhanced. Taking care of young children enables
people to recharge and relax their batteries because they have a lot in common
in a way in other word, they are almost same generation. When they are
recharged their batteries, they can put in more effort, bringing better result
in performance. For example, when my sister was in high school, she often felt
depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting usual routine. To survive
a competitive world, she spent a whole day studying all academic subjects,
hoping that he could outdo others. Although she made constant effort, it was
not easy because everyone was working as hard as she was. Fortunately, she was
able to deal could deal with such pressure and stress in a safe way by playing video games
with her youngest brother and helping her brother’s assignment. She realized
that after playing video games with brothers and helping his assignment, she
was able to refocus on his tasks, refresh her feeling and felt fulfillment by
helping her brother’s homework of kindergarten, while without playing with
youngest brother, it could negatively affects her own feeling and her
batteries. Eventually, she was able to let off some steams. Without playing
video games with her youngest brother, she would have been being depressed.
In short, I strongly believe that the
advantages of taking care of younger children by eldest brother far outweigh
those of taking care of younger children by parents the reasons of I have
mentioned above. All in all, the importance of taking care of younger children
by their eldest cannot be estimated in life.
점수 ;22 일단 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 하는 독립형 에세이입니다. 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 하다 보니까 전반적으로 에세이 자체가 장황하게 변하엿습니다. 에세이가 장황하다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질되게 됩니다. 의미들이 변질이 되다 보면 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르기 때문에 좀 더 간결하게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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