▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether the ability to remain friendships with a small number of people over a long period of time is more significant for happiness than the ability to make a lot of new friends easily. In general, some people might think that it is more important for happiness to make many new peers easily to make new friends in order to become happy. In my opinion, however, I strongly believe that capacity to remain friendships with a minute number of peers over a long period of time have considerable advantages for the following two subsequent reasons.
First and foremost, having long-time friends gives us considerable a sense of faith because resolute friendships reinforce their belief that deeply understands each other and shares the pain and joy (항상 이유는 간결하고 명확하게 전달하시길 바랍니다). Through these expression, individuals feel happiness and stability. For example, when I was an elementary school student, I had a friend, Kiko. I did not stop keeping in touch with her and we give a lot of advice to each other in terms of work and life because we have known and understood for a long time but we share a lot of good advice dealing with daily life (뭔가 개연성이 결여 되었습니다. 연락을 하지 않는데 어떻게 조언을 할 수 가 있죠?). Consequently, I realized that she is an inspiration to me and gives entertainment and confidence.
In addition, making many new friends have has (ing뒤는 단수 동사 형태를 사용하시길 바랍니다) a useless and limited effect on our lives. To be specific, when people go to work, individuals make a lot of friends. Unfortunately, they have particular purposes such as business and works. Although people may feel that they are a friend, they should always be careful because of the connection of business. For instance, there was a poll conducted by the Associate of Commerce and Industry with 500 workers in the Korea trading companies. The purpose of the survey is to understand the consensus view about the relationship of friends in work place. An overwhelming 86 percent had responded that they do not consider peers in a company as a friend. Moreover, they confessed that a friend who they met at work is just a co-worker.
In conclusion, people should remain friendships with a long-time friend in order to feel stability and happiness. In this regard, it is more important for modern individuals to maintain the relationship with friends who shared a long period of time rather than just new friends.
점수: 21 일단 이 에세이를 읽으면서 느낀것은 각 단락들의 예시가 주제를 벗어난 거 같습니다. 먼저 첫 번째 단락 같은 부분을 보았을 때는 예시 자체가 개연성이 많이 결여된거 같습니다. 예시가 앞뒤가 맞지 않아서 이 예시를 통해서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겟습니다. 또한 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 주제를 벗어났습니다. 앞으로 이유를 서술할 때 주제와 연관을 지으면서 꼭 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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