▶ Your Answer :
Some people think there are more important
sections which should be progressed by the government. However, I think the
most effective way to improve the nation’s system is increasing the budget
related to education school. In other words, government should focus on the education
part.
First, most of the students teenagers (학생이라는 단어 자체가 이미 학교를 다니고 있다는 점을 전제하므로 적절하지 않겠죠.) who are under 20
attends to school. It means that schools are is responsible to teach them how to
live in this society. Eventually, all of these students will become became adults, who are
responsible to lead this nation’s (앞서 어떤 특정한 nation을 지칭하지는 않았으므로 여기도 이러한 표현이 쓰일 수는 없습니다. 그냥 일반적인 관점에서 서술해주세요.) future. Therefore, in comparison to others, a school is the most directly affective effect on to the future and some current issues.
For example, there was an issue related to the government limiting the contents in the history
textbooks by government. Most of experts were worried that filtered history would not help in developing students' own logic and it will worsen the common standard of the future can’t
help to develop student’s own logic and it leads to worsen the common standard
of future. (줄임말을 사용하지 말아주세요~) This simple case shows that educational issues should be treated
carefully and properly.
Second, improved situation in teaching the
student can be an initial stage to increasing birth rate. To be specific, there
are many mothers who are reluctant to give birth to baby because there are
practical problems like financial issues. However, if the school can take care
the baby (어린이집이나 유아원이라고 하나요? 그런 것까지 현재 문맥상 school 에 넣기는 조금 무리입니다.) and children effectively by teaching them properly, mothers can
relieve their stress and many others will be able to have a baby. For instance, a candidate who promised to erect erecting the policy related to birth rate said that he
should improve the situation of school. After he embodied his policy, the birth
rate problem was partially solved partially. Also many mothers interviewed and said it was
great idea to change the school first.
To sum up, I strongly agree that school
should be treated as a prior part to be considered when the government intend
to progress the whole nation.
총평: 본론 두 번째 문단은 어느정도 손봐주실 필요가 있습니다. 일단 제가 위에서 말씀드린 어린이집 관련해서는 어느정도 가치판단이 들어갈 수도 있으니 제외한다고 치더라도, 문단 전반적으로 너무 수박 겉핥기 식의 서술만 되어있기 때문에 근거를 정확하게 설명해준다고 보기 어려워요. 해당 문단에 삽입된 예시의 경우도 마찬가지이고요. 학교에 대한 투자를 육아의 관점에서 언급할 거면, 적어도 어떤 식으로의 투자가 이루어져야할지 그리고 이에 따른 효과가 정확히 어떤식으로 나타날지 조금 더 구체적으로 보여주셔야 합니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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