▶ Topic : Attractive appearance and fashion is more important that one's ability to succeed Ag/Dis
Some people think appealing appearance and fashion is more important than one's ability to succeed. However, in my opinion, one's ability to accomplishmnet is a priority for the following two subsequent reasons. bring about accomplishment is better for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, one's ability is more recognized than appearance. Supposed that, there is a people who is really attractive but has no outstanding skill or expertise. Is she possible to recognized by other people as a 'successful person'. The answer must be "no" are people who are really attractive but have no outstanding skill, they are not considered as successful people (지금 이 에세이는 복수 형태를 가지기 때문에 복수형으로 서술하시길 바랍니다). This is because, a lot of endeavor is required to get a ability, so society acknowledgd those who have exceptional abilities A plethora of endeavor is required to get an ability, so that society should acknowledge. For example, my sister is not good at fashion, but she is recognized a great accoutant in her company as a great accountant. Since she have great skills that surpass the appearance as an accoutatn, so many people ask her a help regarding accoutant problem. has a great skills in working, many people ask her for help regarding with accounting problems.
Second, ones ability is permanent. Appearance and fashion are just lasting short time to attract people. However, one's ability is lasting lasts forever. Eventually only who is skilled in a specific field is survived in society can survive in this competitive society. To give an my anecdote, my grandmother is not relatively appealing compared to my grandfather. in comparison to my grandfather She did not care that fact, she only concentrate on studying as a teacher and her indeavor leaded her to be a principal but only concentrated on studying on her role thereby becoming a principal as her endeavor is recognized. On the other hand, my grandfather became older and his appearance become valueless.
To sum up that, one's ability is more regarded by people in society and permanent that one's appearance and fashion. So I firmly believed that one's capacities are essential for the reasons I mentioned above.
점수: 21 일단 전체적으로 너무나 많은 어색한 표현들과 문법적 오류들이 많습니다. 이러한 부분은 전체적인 에세이 플로우로 하여금 많이 방해를 줍니다. 이러한 부분을 피하기 위해서는 항상 에세이를 서술하고 난 후에 검정을 하시길 바랍니다. 검정을 하다 보면 본인이 어디서 틀리는 지 알 수 있기 때문에 지금 이 에세이에서는 가장 필요한 것 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |