▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that individual caregivers should
play care for children rather than ㅁ childcare center. However, in my opinion,
leaving children at childcare cent could significantly influence on people’s
life. With this understanding, I strongly believe that children should be
careful cared for at a children center for the following subsequent reasons. To begin with, tending children at a leaving care center
allows children to improve their sense of responsibility. The child center
requires many obligations such as managing time, abiding by rules, and
respecting others. When such obligation are fulfilled, they are likely to
realize the importance of being responsible. For example, my youngest brother
used to be lazy and selfish. Because there were no one to control to him until
his busy parents returned from their workplace, he ate when his wanted to played
game all day. However, he had changed little by little after his parent (여길 보면, 동생의 부모님은 곧 글쓴이님의 부모님인데 his parents 라고 마치 제 3자처럼 지칭하는 것은 조금 어색하죠.) leaned
him to a daycare center. The daycarecent had one of the practices that daycare
cent was not able to have a meal until everyone was together. He realized that
when he kept himself time, other children had a meal also while his laziness
could negatively affect everyone. Naturally, he became more prompt with time,
played his part better, and even encouraged others to be more responsible.
Without this center’s rule, he would still have been irresponsible. (내용상으로 틀린 건 아닌데 결론을 이끌어나가기까지의 과정이 너무 길고 불필요한 부분들이 많은 편이므로 조금 더 간략하게 핵심만 남겨서 서술해주세요.)
On top of that, the carecenter performs provides many of
activities such as playing sports, and it enables children to relieve stress.
Understanding environment of children and the potential role of playing sports
for fun is necessary to substantiate this view. For example, every morning,
children have to wake up on time to get to daycenter. Once they are at the
center they are trained to keep all their lifestyle habits and to keep them at
home. Especially, they enable to control themselves by leaning time management
and manners about his friends. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and
eventually wears down him. (여기도 마찬가지입니다. 다 맞는 말이지만 굳이 지금과 같이 장황하게 설명할 필요가 없습니다. 또한 지금의 내용은 For example 이라는 표현 아래에 서술되기에는 너무 광범위합니다.) If they play sports such as soccer with others together,
they can forget about their daily routine and ultimately relieve their stress
as a way to manage the ensuing stress. (의미가 결과적으로는 겹치므로 둘 중 하나만 살려주세요!)
To sum up, leaning leaving children at a carecenter make them
healthier can create opportunities for oneself achievements (본론의 순서대로 배치해주세요!). Consequently, the
importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have stated
above.
총평: 예시는 언제까지나 근거를 뒷받침하기 위한 수단이지, 글의 주가 되어서는 곤란합니다. 지금 동생의 예시가 오히려 문단의 대부분을 불필요하게 잡아먹고 있기 때문에 핵심만 남겨서 간략하면서도 명확하게 전달할 수 있도록 수정해주셔야 합니다. 또한 글에 오타가 전반적으로 많은 편이므로 여기에 대해서도 주의해주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)
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