▶ Your Answer :
Some people think people can benefit more from traveling overseas than traveling in their own country. However, people’s intellectual, social, and personal development is highly influenced by traveling in their own country. With this understanding, I believe that people can benefit more from traveling in their own country than traveling overseas for the following subsequent reasons.
First, traveling in their own country enables people to relieve stress (여기랑~). Understanding the environment of people and the potential role of traveling in their own country is necessary to substantiate this view. For example, every morning, people have to patiently sit through traffic to get to work. Once they are at work, they have to endure countless documents and continue to read more even at home. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears down people. So some people cannot make time to travel overseas and if people go to travel to abroad, they have to prepare a lot of things like making a plan and make some vacation from work. However, traveling in their own country is convenience convenient for people who are is working. The advantage of traveling in their own country is that it is cheap cheep and simple. Even though traveling overseas is more interesting for people, people can go to travel in their own country easily because people are busy nowadays. As a way to manage the ensuing stress, people can go to travel in their own country. (~여기가 역할상 문단의 중심 내용을 설명하는 부분인데 정작 문단의 중심은 이와 다른 방향으로 서술되어있어요. 즉 수정이 필요합니다. stress 관련 부분은 거의 찾아볼 수 없고 적절하다고 보기도 어려우므로 그냥 익숙하고 싼 것을 중심으로 삼아서 글을 서술해주세요.)
Second, traveling in their own country enables people to enjoy a better quality of life. In response to the increasing role of traveling in their own country, many experts opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that traveling in their own country enables people to various experiences from their own countries. For example, Since since people lack enough experience, they are likely to consider following the wrong paths, especially when they are in trouble. (<- '해외에서 여행할 때' 라는 점이 전제되어야겠죠.) However, if they go to travel in own countries, they can learn how to fix their moral standard and match the societal values in their own country they learned about to real-life circumstance. Moreover, people tend to ignore their own country’s history. They can learn their history by traveling in their own country, and they have to proud of their own country. Through such guidance, they can resist the temptation of following wrong paths and thus grow up as good citizen, which encourage them to ultimately enjoy a better quality of life. (여기도 마찬가지의 문제가 드러납니다. 이 문단의 핵심은 밑줄 친 부분으로 설정해주셨는데 정작 본론 문단의 내용과 밑줄 부분이 어떤 식으로 연결이 되는지를 잘 보여주시지 않고 다소 엉뚱한쪽으로 집중이 되어있죠.)
To sum up, I believe that people can benefit more from traveling in their own country than traveling overseas for following reasons: to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of life. Consequently the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have state above.
총평: 위에서 말씀드렸던대로 문단의 핵심 내용으로 설정해주신 부분과 실제 문단에 있는 부분의 괴리가 조금 있는 편이므로, 둘 중 하나를 조절해서 맞춰주셔야 합니다. 이 글을 봤을 때에는 핵심 내용으로 설정한 부분을 지우고 실제 문단에 있는 내용의 중요 부분을 가져와서 새로운 핵심으로 설정하는 게 나을 것 같네요. 수고하셨습니다 :) |