▶ Your Answer : Some people do not think that famous athletes and entertainers deserve the large amounts of money they are paid. However, I believe that athletes and entertainers deserve the large amounts of money they are paid. This is because they must practice for a long time for accomplishment and they are exposed to the public for the following two subsequent reasons (반복적인 문장이 나타나는 거 같습니다 좀 더 다른 표현으로 서술하시길 바랍니다).
First of all, the large amounts of money paid to the famous athletes and entertainers is justifiable because they have to endure hard training and do their best to be be successful as they endure a plethora of painful procedure. Understanding their sacrifice and potential role of deserving the large amounts of money is significant to substantiate this view (어떤 부분에 있어서 이러한 모습이 입증될 수 있는지 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다). For example, athletes spend a lot of time on practicing instead studying, socializing, and enjoying their hobbies. They keep practicing since they are really young. They concentrate on their talents fiercely. However, if they get injuries and they become loose their talents, they loose everything they lose their given talent. In this regard, deserving the large amounts of money is necessary to compensate their sacrificing.
Secondly, deserving the large amounts of money is justifiable for athletes and entertainers who are exposed to the public in response to the increasing role of privacy, For example, famous celebrities are on a lot of mass media. Therefore, many people are interested in their personal life, their rumors, and even who they are dating with. Their gossip is a one of the public's hobby. Their private life and behavior can be exposed to the public and criticized whether they want or not. In this perspective, it is justifiable for athletes or entertainers to deserve the large amounts of money for the price of their privacy.
To sum up, I believe that famous athletes and entertainers deserve the large amounts of money they are paid for the following reasons: to compensate their sacrifice and privacy. due to their sacrifice and own privacy. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
점수: 25 일단 지금 이 에세이는 반복적인 문장들이 있습니다. 이러한 부분을 조심 하시길 바랍니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우는 이유에 대한 입증할 증거들이 더 필요합니다. 설명이 완벽하게 끝나지 않은체 바로 예시로 넘어갔습니다. 이유에 대한 구체적 설명을 더 하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 적절하게 왜 유명인사들이 돈을 많이 받아야하는지를 잘 설명하고 있습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |