▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that parents do not need
to set rules for their children to ensure them to be
successful to become successful. However, from my perspective, it is
beneficial to children when parents set strict rules because it makes them put more effort into things and helps them learn how to manage themselves effectively. to set strict rules on children for the following two subsequent reasons.
First of all, having parents who enforce
rigid rules makes children work hard. To be specific, if they are supervised by
their parents, they achieve better in difficult tasks This is because it is It is (독립형 에세이에서는 this is not because는 적절하지가 않습니다) not easy for them to work hard without adult supervision. According to a study carried out by the
University of Michigan, researchers figured out that children who
have parents applying strict discipline methods
have a much stronger work ethics in terms
of their schoolwork. These
children tend to study much harder than their classmates. As a result,
they perform better on tests and get higher score in average than other
students on average.
On top of that, kids can learn self-managing
skills from severe rules. By learning the importance of rules, they will be a responsible person with a sense of
personal discipline that will greatly benefit them as
they grow up. For instance, when I was young, my parents forced me to follow strict rules. I always had to finish my homework and
household before hanging out with my friends or doing other fun activities. On
the other hand, some of my friends were allowed to engage in whatever
activities happening after school
or in the weekends. As I entered university,
I realized that following the rules as a kid had taught me how to manage myself
better that my peers.
To sum up, children who are required to
obey strict rules established by their parents are more likely to be
hard-working, and manage their own lives better when they grow up. In this
regard, I think it is better for parents to set firm rules for their children.
점수: 26 약간의 문법적 오류들이 있습니다. 이러한 오류들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 주기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 오류를 재외하면 전체적으로 논리정연하게 왜 부모가 아이들에게 강한 규정을 세워야하는 지를 구체적으로 잘 설명해주고 있는 에세이입니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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