▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that the most important thing to succeed has good luck regardless of efforts. However, in my opinion, I firmly believe that endeavor is a prerequisite to succeed in contemporary society. There are two subsequent reasons to support my opinion for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, the first ability to succeed in one field is to focus on their work with super efforts one has to put effort a lot. To be specific, in the competitive society, without distinguishable approaches and ideas, there is no doubt it might have possibilities to be a failure in one's business one cannot succeed in the future. In other words, in order to succeed, everyone are encourged to make an signficant effort in their work every one is encouraged to make a significant effort on their work. considering the fact that rivalries do their best in their field. For example, one of my relatives had had difficulties in doing mechanic business with several crisis due to financial and product development problems. However, he did do his work hard without having holidays 10 years years in order to not only concentrate on his business but also make competable products. After overcoming all hindrances, he has owned his business with working over 100 employees. Thus, considerable efforts are essential to be a successful person to become a successful person.
On top of that, good luck does not occur without one's efforts (첫 번째 이유와 겹치는 거 같습니다). To explain, successful people, in general, speak to others about his success as good fortune without saying his previous endeavor. Especially, in Korea, CEO's tend to illustrate his achievements generously and politely according to our customs. For instance, there was a survey conducted by Korea University, with 200 CEOs as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to find out what success factors were in their life. What it found was astounding. Overwhelming 80% responded that the most crucial factor to succeed was to work harder than other employees by spending much time in analyzing their work and investing self-development. From the result, success is required with substantial efforts.
To sum up, luck can not lead to a success and result in attaining higher positions in companies. Taking much time and significant efforts to succeed into consideration, I strongly believe that one's labor far outweighs luck.
점수: 22 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재하고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 주기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지를 하시면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 첫 번째 이유와 두 번째 이유가 겹칩니다. 항상 이유를 선정할 때 서로 겹치지 않게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |