▶ Your Answer :
There
has been an argument regarding the issue of whether the government should spend
more money on parks than on art galleries. Some people maintain that government
shell use more finance on art galleries. However, from my perspective,
government should spend more money on parks for, it is more beneficial. In this
essay, I present two reasons to support my opinion for the following two subsequent reasons.
To
begin with, there life will be healthier than before one's health can be improved. By and large, people need
to exercise because the majority of the people are lacking of motion and subsequently
they are suffering from many diseases as they are lack of energy leading to diseases. Accordingly, for people who want and
need to exercise need parks among the cities. They can play many club
activities such as soccer, basketball and boxing at park. Therefore, there
regain the healthy life again. For Example For example, (대문자는 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다), my sister suffered from the variety
of diseases due to lacking of motion. Inevitably, she gained a lot of weight. She
wanted to play some sports but there was no proper place to do. So she asked to
government to make a park among the town. After making the park, she always did
exercise in day and night. Consequently, she lost more than 20 kg for 3 months. In
this regard, the park are useful to people.
On
top of that, they can make intimate relationship in park. In general, they can
play not only sports but also games. People easily become close when they play
sports or games in outside. This is the reason why elementary Elementary (this is the reason why는 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) schools often go
outing to the park. For example, according to the study conducted by O-Chang
University, 67% of couples chose the best dating place to park. The study
concluded that many couple feel comfortable and calmness when they are at park.
In
a nut shell, my contention is that parks have more advantages than art
galleries. This is because they They (this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현 입니다) can improve their physical health and they can
make close relationship with each other. As you people (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다) can see, government should put
much money to park than gallery.
점수: 23 가장 중요하게 숙지해야할 부분은 단락의 균형화 입니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 첫 번째 이유 단락 같은 경우는 길게 서술하였지만 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 짧게 서술하였습니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 내용이 짧다 보니까 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 잉유를 풀어나가시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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