■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : The Internet has greater influence on human society than television does |
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▶ Your Answer : Some people think that television has greater effect on human society. However, in my opinion, It is better to Internet than television. There are several reasons and examples as follows. internet has more influence on the human society for the following two subsequent reasons.
First of all, People can accessible to Internet anywhere internet is freely accessible. I mean, Internet is more portable (무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다). People can't cannot (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) bring TV when we go outside. If they take smartphone or laptop, they can use Internet anywhere. For example, I always search a route through Internet when I go to first place. One day, during my travel in foreign country, I arrived on late night. Losing my way is so dangerous because i'm a stranger. As I have smartphone, I can access Internet and find the route. Withought Internet, I would not have been able to go correct way.
Second, Internet has more enormous sum of information than TV. When people watch TV, TV shows us only current information such as today's news or today's drama. Sometimes We can see past drama or movie in TV but those are not that our choice. People can pick information which one they need. This is more important when doing research. In my writing course, I had to do research about how analogue things effect on current things affect on current environment. I could collect a lot of concerned information by using Internet. And Most of this information was past research conclusion or news. It is possible to gather specialized information in Internet easily.
In this regard, I firmly believe that Internet has more tremendous influence on human life than television does.
점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이를 읽으면서 느낀 것은 전체적으로 설명 자체가 모호한거 같습니다. 모호하다는 것은 전반적으로 에세이 자체가 정리가 덜된 거 같습니다. 정리가 덜 되었다 보니 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 또한 대문자는 항상 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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라이팅 이제 시작한 초보 독학러라 틀린 부분이 엄청 많을것같네요ㅠ 감사합니다!