▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly,
taking care of their young children plays a significant role in people’s daily
lives in many of the places where they play and work. Some people think that
parents should take care of their young children, while others think that their
eldest should take care of young children. Both sides may have their own
reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that
eldest should take care of young children. There are several reasons as
follows.
To begin with, when eldest takes care
of young children such as younger brother or sister, it can contribute to an
increase in their overall happiness. Taking care of young children enables
people to recharge and relax their batteries because they have a lot in common
in a way in other word, they are almost same generation. When they are
recharged their batteries, they can put in more effort, bringing better result
in performance. For example, when my sister was in high school, she often felt
depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting usual routine. To survive
a competitive world, she spent a whole day studying all academic subjects,
hoping that he could outdo others. Although she made constant effort, it was
not easy because everyone was working as hard as she was. Fortunately, she was
able to deal with such pressure and stress in a safe way by playing video games
with her youngest brother and helping her brother’s assignment. She realized
that after playing video games with brothers and helping his assignment, she
was able to refocus on his tasks, refresh her feeling and felt fulfillment by
helping her brother’s homework of kindergarten, while without playing with
youngest brother, it could negatively affects her own feeling and her
batteries. Eventually, she was able to let off some steams. Without playing
video games with her youngest brother, she would have been being depressed.
In short, I strongly believe that the
advantages of taking care of younger children by eldest brother far outweigh
those of taking care of younger children by parents the reasons of I have
mentioned above. All in all, the importance of taking care of younger children
by their eldest cannot be estimated in life.
우선 주장이나 이에 대한 supporting detail은 잘 설명된 것 같아 읽기에 좋았습니다. 하지만 이유가 설명될 paragraph를 2개나 3개로 나눠서 설명했다면 읽기에 훨씬 더 좋았을 것 같습니다. 이유가 한개 밖에 없다보니 내용 측면에서 약간 부족하다는 늠기이 듭니다. 어휘는 약간 기본적인 어휘 위주로 작성되는 듯 하여 많이 아쉽습니다. 예를 들어 take care of 나 younger children같이 많이 나오는 어휘 같은 경우는 단어 조금씩만 바꿔서 작성해주시면 훨씬 더 다양한 에세이나옵니다. 조금만 더 다양하고 고급단어 쓴다면 좋을 것 같습니다. |