▶ Your Answer : A number of people might argue that children between ages of three and eight should not be allowed to watch TV commercials. But contrary to popular belief In contrast to popular belief, I think they should be allowed to watch TV commercials for the following two subsequent reasons. . First of all, watching TV commercials help children to learn languages. helps people learn language (ing뒤에는 항상 단수 동사 입니다) It is obvious that TV commercials are composited with easy words. So they are easy to mimic. It helps children to learn language skills. For instance, there are research performed by Seoul National University in Korea at 2016. There are two groups composited with five years children. Children in the group A are allowed to watch TV commercials and children in the group B are not allowed to watch TV commercials for one month. After that, language test had performed had been performed to both groups. Average score of group A is 85 and average score of group B is 53. The contributing factor is watching TV commercials. TV commercials teach children about words and announcements. This shows how TV commercials affect to children in language area.
Second, watching TV commercials is inevitable. It is well known fact that TV commercials are in everywhere. There are so many ways to watch TV commercials like cellular phone, TV on street, or even at the kindergarten. For example, my parents not allowed my younger brother did not allow my younger brother to watch TV commercials. But it is prevented only in the home. My younger brother see TV commercials as much as other normal children at outsides. So my parents finally gave up to prevent watching TV commercials. In this experience, we have a lesson: preventing to watch TV commercials is impossible.
For these reasons, I think children between the ages of three and eight should be allowed to watch TV commercials.
점수: 23 일단 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 줍니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 두 번째 단락이 내용면에 있어서 많이 빈약합니다. 내용이 빈약하다 보니 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 이유를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |