대단히 잘 쓰셨네요. 이전의 글보다 훨씬 더 잘 쓰셨네요. 역시 열심히 하시더니 엄청난 발전이 있으신 듯 합니다.
The development of technology transforming the earth into new civilization, the education system is also trying to convert from studying at traditional schools to studying at home by using technology such as computers or television. Although I thoroughly understood each advantage in both sides, I personally prefer the traditional education system that teaches the social skills and make short the distance between instructors and students.
1) technology -> technologies
2) understood -> understand
Above all, by studying at traditional schools, students are able to learn about the social skills. Modern society where people have to depend on others in a number of parts requires the student to prepare the social skills. It is only through the direct relationship between people that students can learn about the knowledge of those skills. While they eat together, play sports, and compete with each other on various fields, they could be naturally familiar with how to control their emotion and how to collaborate with others. Since studying at home by using computers or television presents indirect relationship, students’ social skills could not be grown by that. Accordingly, the traditional schools teach the social skills, such as collaboration, compromise, and leadership, to students.
1) learn about -> learn (learn about도 가능하기는 하지만, learn이 더 좋을듯)
2) be grown by that -> be cultivated properly. (by that이 뭘 지칭하는지 모르겠네요)
Moreover, in traditional schools, teachers can take more and better care of students. They need more concerning of someone than adults because, in general, they are too weak to easily be damaged spiritually and could not decide their future prudently. Since, in traditional school, teachers are close to their students, they can usually consult with students about the various parts, ranging from the problems with the opposite sex to their futures, but home schooling provides only the one-side transmission of knowledge. For instance, when I was a high school student, I had a number of consultations about my domestic problems, such as the parents’ divorce and nonpayment of tuition fee, with a class teacher. Through proposing the optimistic strategy for achieving my dreams without desperation, he had consoled me personally. This illustrates that traditional schools make it possible for students to receive the sincere cares of instructors.
1) They need more concerning of someone than adults 이 상당히 어색해 보이네요. 그냥 쉽게 They need to be taken more care of than adults는 어때요?
2) they are too weak to easily be damaged는 원하시는 의미와 반대의 뜻인듯. 그들은 너무 약해서 쉽게 상처받을 수 없다? they are so weak that they are easily damaged 라고 쓰셔야죠.
3) could -> can ... 자신의 주장을 펼치는 글에서 너무 could 를 남용하시는듯. 자신있게 can 을 쓰세요.
4) one-side transmission -> one-sided transmission
In a nutshell, traditional schools play integral roles in encouraging students to be sociable and shortening the distance between students and teachers. It is still clear to me that traditional school has more beneficial points for students’ future than studying at home by using new technology.