If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer. |
Ever since I moved to my hometown, I always consider this is built very beautifully.
--> beautiful은 부사로 쓰는 것 보다 형용사로 쓰는게 좋습니다. since가 나왔으면, 시제도 현재완료가 좋구요
There are full of trees and flowers planted and it surrounds the apartment perfectly.
--> it이 가르치는게 없습니다. and로 연결하는 것 보다 flowers surrouding이런식으로 수식하는게 맞습니다. and는 논리적으로 균형이 맞던지, 시간 순서로 일어나는 경우에 알맞은 접속사 입니다.
Furthermore, the colors of the building are fade yellow and green so it really matches the diverse of plants.
--> the building은 틀린표현인 것 같습니다. 정관사를 쓸 상황이 아닙니다. are faded yellow 가 자연스러울 것 같고, it이 지시하는 것은 the building입니까? colors를 말하고 싶었던거 아닌가요? various plants가 자연스러울 것 같습니다. 색상이 식물과 잘 어울리는 것이지, 다양함과 잘 어울리는 게 아닐 듯 합니다.
읽고 수정해 보려고 했는데, 전체적으로 잘 읽히지가 않습니다. 문장 하나하나가 애매하기 때문에 그런 것 같습니다. 내용을 떠나서, 단문 연습을 많이 하시는게 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법이나 어휘를 보충하시고, 일단 짧은 영작을 많이 하는 게 필요할 것 같습니다. 작위적인 표현이 많은데...혹시 사전 찾아서 표현을 쓰신다면, 그런 방법은 되도록 피하라고 말씀드리고 싶네요.
예전에 처음 에세이를 썼을 때, 친한 형한테 보여줬더니...한참 인상쓰더니 '야, 무슨 말하는 지 모르겠다.'고 하더군요. 그 때 저보다는 훨씬 잘하시지만, 문장문장 이해하기 쉽게 정확하게 쓰는 연습을 많이 하시길~ 그리고 특히 관사와 대명사, 시제는 항상 주의하세요~
너무 거칠게 조언을 드린 것 같아 미안합니다. 좋은 결과 얻으시길 바랍니다.
There is a swimming pool as well where any age of people come and enjoy swimming. However, there are several things to be changed in our hometown but if I could change only one thing, I would change the water supply because there are a lot of problems about it. First of all, I would improve the path where water passes in order to be carried all the way to our each house. It is our routine to see water coming out mixed with rust which is very harmful to us. Not only it makes us unpleasant by stinky smells and colors, but it causes something wrong with our skin and hair. My hair became rough and frizzy after using the water with rust. Sometimes I got mysterious small pimples on my face too. I definitely think it is due to the bad quality of water. The irregular amount of water coming out is a problem as well. The betterment of the water’s path will solve this problem as well. Then people will be able to shorten their time and water. Furthermore, the water of the swimming pool is terrible. I have never seen it empty to be cleaned. The water is always full whenever it rains or few days pass. It is seen and heard that the people in charge of the pool simply use some special substances which turns the dirty looking water clean so that they do not have to take out water and fill it with new water. This is totally upsetting because it neglects the residents’ health. We are the real owner of our hometown therefore, we have the right to change something bad in a good way and we have to try as much as possible to gain maximum advantages of living here. |