There is an arguement regarding whether being happy with job is more significant than having a high salary. Some people might say that when choosing a job, it is the most important to think how much persons enjoy doing a job. However, as far as I am conncerned, it is the best to have a high salary in that money provide us with the ability to keep happy families and help people being in trouble. I will present briefly two reasons supporting my idea in this essay.
~persons enjoy doing...~ 어퍼스트로피 빼먹으셨네요, contraction 사용입니다. person's 로 바꿔주세요.
~...in that money provide us...~ 나은 방법은, in that 을 빼시고, Money 부터 새로운 문장을 시작하시는 겁니다. 좀 rough 하네요. 게다가 앞에 머리도 달려있어서 너무 길구요.
~help people being in trouble~ trouble 과 help 가 같이 쓰이는 경우는 처음 보네요; 문법상으로는 맞지만, 단어의 컨택트가 잘못 쓰였다는 것! 이 경우에선, ~help people to stay out of trouble~ 이 나을듯.
First of all, I firmly think that good-paid job makes us to maintain happy family. That is to say, If we are extremly poor, it will be hard to live enjoyable with family members. According to my experience, when I was middle school student, my father went bankrup and thus at that time I could not live together with my mother and father. this situation had me suffer from deppression. now If I were to look back my life of middle school student, I would be still bothered. For this reason, I maintain that high-salary is very crucial option when getting a job.
~...say, If...~ 콤마 뒤에선 capitalization 이 적용되지 않습니다. lower case 로 바꿔주시구요.
~live enjoyable~ enjoyable 은 형용사인걸로 알고 있는데요. enjoyably 가 맞을 듯. 부사형으로요.
~was middle school student~ -> ~was a middle school student~
~bankrup~ -> ~bankruptcy~ 그리고 went into bankruptcy 라고 하는게 좋습니다.
~and thus at that time ~ 이렇게 하면, 의미로는 이해가 갈테지만은, 너무 어지럽죠. and를 빼고 Thus, at that time, 이렇게 콤마로 끊어주신 다음에 새로운 문장을 시작합시다.
~bothered~ -> ~depressed~ 저는 좀더 디프레싱일것 같은데...bother는 누군가, 아니면 무언가 자꾸 귀찮게하는거거든요.
In addition, I definitely argue that the rich are able to give a hand to people in difficult situation. This is because abundant of wealth can give chances to help out. a few days ago, I accidently read the article on New york Times. the article said that Bill Gates donated 100 million dollar to an ophanage that had had problem operating. After reading this article, I reallized that the competent can give an aid at ease.
~dollar~ -> ~dollars~
~had problem operating~ -> ~had an economic problem~ operating은 기계 같은 것의 작동을 일컫는 데 주로 쓰입니다.
~the competent~ ? 잘 모르겠지만 아마도 competence 일거라 믿습니다.
To conclude, I strongly believe that it is important that people have a high-salary occupation because it allows not only to maintain happy family but also to have opportunities to help the poor.
~that it is important that people~ that이 두번이나 연속으로 나오니 rough 하죠. ~that it is important for people to have a....~
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