소재가 분명하고 디테일하네요. 문법 오류가 눈에 띄이기는 하지만 심한 수준은 아니고요. 글을 이끌어 나가는 논리도 부자연스럽지 않습니다. 잘하셨네요.
It is debatable whether attending a live performance is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television or not. Some people insist that attending a live performance is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television because a person can feel an enthusiastic atmosphere by visiting a concert hall or a stadium in person. However, I firmly believe that watching a performance on television is more enjoyable than attending a same event directly because watching on television is more comfortable, and also more economical than participating a performance in person.
1) a same event -> the same event
2) participating a performance -> participating in a performance. 근데 의미가 틀린듯. 공연에 직접 참가하는 건 아니잖아요? 관람을 할 뿐이지. participate는 '참가'를 의미합니다.
First of all, catching an event on television is comfortable, and a person can easily concentrate on the event sitting in sofa. If a person watches a performance on television, he can lay down his feet and drink an alcohol like a cup of beer. Even more he can do other things such as having a dinner or talking with others. Besides, watching a performance on television makes a person cozy because he does not need to worry about an obstructed seat or a restricted section. Furthermore, a person watching an event on television does not have to suffer from a traffic jam. In my case, I attended a concert which was performed by Back Street Boys, world famous pop singer group, last year. When I arrived a concert hall, there were so many people wating an entrance, so it took almost three hours just to enter the concert hall. In addition, even worse situation was happened. I hardly saw the member of Back Street Boys since he distance of between a stage and my seat was so far. From my experience, attending a live performance is inconvenient and time-consuming, and sometimes it can make a person annoyed.
1) sitting in sofa -> sitting on a couch. 소파에 in할 수는 없죠. on할 뿐.
2) drink an alcohol은 상당히 어색해 보이네요.
3) Even more -> Moreover,
4) arrived a concert hall -> arrived at the concert hall
5) waiting an entrance -> waiting in line for entrance
6) so -> and so. 이거 해커스 분들 대부분이 다 오용하시는데요, so는 안됩니다. and so라고 해야 합니다. so는 부사이지 접속사가 아닙니다. 명심하세요.
7) situation was happened -> situation happened. 상황은 발생하는것이지 발생당하는 것이 아닙니다. 수동태로 표현하지 마세요.
8) since he distance -> due to the distance
9) a stage -> the stage
10) distance가 far하다는 말이 맞는 표현이지 의심되는군요. 영어에서 가격(price)는 '높다/낮다'라고 말하지 '싸다/비싸다'라고 말할 수 없습니다. 상품(product)은 '싸다/비싸다'라고 말할 수 있지요. 마찬가지로, 무대가 나로부터 멀다(far)라고 말할 수는 있어도, 무대와 나 사이의 거리가 멀다(far)라고 말하는건 이상할 것 같네요. 차라리 since my seat was far distanced from the stage. 라고 말하는게 더 자연스러울듯.
Furthermore, watching an event on television is much cheaper than attending the same event in person. Firstly, the price of ticket for the event is usually so expensive. On top of that, a person can not ignore hidden costs like concessions, souvenirs, and parking fee. These disadvantages of participating a live performance lead to below situation. According to the poll by KBS(Korean Broadcast System), the number of people who visited a baseball stadium has gradually decreased within five years. In contrast, the number of people who watched the baseball game on television has been continually increased. From the research, half of the people who did not attend the live game avoided to spend a lot of money by visiting the live game.
1) participating a live performance -> (X)
2) below situation이 무엇을 의미하려고 하신건지 모르겠군요.
3) visited/watched -> visit/watch. "과거부터 현재까지"를 이야기하고 계시니까 현재형이 좋을듯.
In conclusion, in spite of some advantages to attending a live performance, I firmly believe that watching an event on television is more enjoyable than attending the same event in person.