There is a controversy among people about business's employment policy. Some people might say that corporation should continuously hire new workers and fire old ones to keep step with this ever-changing society. Nevertheless I strongly argue that company can save enormous time and energy training their employees if it guarantees them stable jobs. Moreover, it will promote economic growth consequently.
There is a controversy among people about business's emplyment policies. Some people say that a corporation should continuously hire new workers and fire old ones to help their company keep steps with this ever-changing society. Nevertheless I strongly argue that a company can save enormous amount of time and energy training their emplyees if it guarantees them stable jobs. Moreover, it will promote economic growth consequently.
여기서요.. if it guarantees.. it가 가리키는 게 뭔지 모르겟네요.. it will promote economic여기서도.. 대충 내용은 짐작하겟지만 it이 나오면 앞에 정확히 무엇인지 언급이 되어있어야겟네요.(제가 이해를 못해서 이러는건지 아닌지 잘 모르겟네요.. 제가 틀렷으면 말씀부탁드려요..)
More than anything else, business can save their funds on developing workers' skills. As a matter of fact, it costs a lot of money for company to make employees adjusted and fit into their working system. Recent statistics conducted by TIME magazine show that training fee per one person is seven hundred dollars a year on average. If corporation has to ceaselessly change their workers, it can be a great financial burden to them ultimately. Rather, they can spend that money on upgrading their facilities or introducing state of the art technology. This clearly indicates positive aspect of life time employment.
paragraph가 바뀌면 앞 문단에 원래 명사가 명시되어있어도. 한줄띠고 문단을 바꾸셧으면 they라고 하기보다는 원래 명사로 언급하시는게 좋을 것 같다는게 제 생각입니다. (business가 단수/복수 다되면 여기서 문제가 되지는 않겟네요..) it costs a lot of money for a company to... fee->교통요금같은데 쓰지않나요? 안전하게cost로.. if a corporation changes their workers ceaselessly, it will be a great financial burden to them. Instead, they should use the money on upgrading their facilities and introducing state of the art technology. By not replacing personnel often, companies can save their money and effort tremendously.
In addition, stable working condition gives workers stabilized lives. As their income is assured, they spend their salary enjoying life, such as buying newly released machine and visiting many places. This means that national economy can grow higher and more jobs can be created. Korea had an serious economic risk, so called IMF, in 1998, downgrading its status in the world. At that time, many companies downsized and laid off lots of workers, leading to nearly deep recession. After that period, however, economy has started to increase steadily and over 10,000 new jobs has popped up. This case obviously shows that ensuring jobs for the life time benefits both the worker's life and the whole economy.
grow higher= 우리나라말로는 될듯싶지만.. 영어에서는 글쎄요..had had a serious 그리고 lots of가 아니구 a lot of라네요.. 전 둘다되는줄알앗지만 외국인이 머라해요 - -;;
To sum up, I believe that company has to make sure their workers' life long jobs for the following reasons; to save fund and to stabilize employees' lives and national economy. Some people might argue that corporation needs young workers for agility and passionate spirit they have. However, they have to remember the fact that even young people's great working skills can be exerted only based on stable working atmosphere.
companies have to make sure=vague.. 말의 뜻이 명확하지가 않네요.. 직원들의 평생의 일을 다음의 이유 때문에 확실히 해야한다? 여기서 make sure는 non-sense같네요.. might argue that corporations need ..spirits..
음.. 이번 에세이는 저번것들과는 다르게 오류가 잦은것 같네요
중요한 mistake 들:
1.vagueness(말의 뜻을 명확히 해야하구요)
2.articles(관사 라고 하나요? 저도 잘은 모르니까 문법책이나 주변분들한테 물어보시는게 좋을 것 같아요)
그리고 이건 제 개인적인 의견이지만요예를 들 때는 꼭 거창한 것을 해야하지는 않을 것 같아요.. 제가 학원을 다니면서 느낀건데요.. 예는 그냥 자기 주변의 일 정도만 구체적으로 요약해서 적으면 될 것 같아요.. 제 친구들이 에세이 쓸 때 저와 다른점이 예를 막 역사를 들어가면서 뉴스의 무슨 쌸라쌸라 하는데요.. 예를들면 제 친구가 ㅏ에세이를쓸때 옛날 세계2차전쟁때의 스토리를 잘 알지도 못하면서 거창한 얘기하고이러는데요 솔직히 이거 채점관들에게 감명을 주지도 않고 복잡할 뿐더러 재미없어요.. pointless할 뿐만 아니라.. 더군다나 길어봣자 5문단 글인데..
예를 들때는 그냥 내 주변에 John이라는 친구가 잇는데 걔는 카운터스트라이크를 너무 많이해서 중독되고 눈도 나빠지고 성적도 망치고 엄마한테 혼낫다. 이 경험으로부터 인터넷이 사람들의 삶에 부정적인 영향을 미친다는 것을 알 수 있다. 라고하면 아주 깔끔한 example이 되는데요.. 그냥 참고하시라구 끄적거렷습니다^^(학원친구들 보니까 너무 답답해서요..)그리구 이건 제가 시험볼 때 직접 사용해봣던 방법이라 확실합니다.. 바디3문단 전부 제 주변얘기로..uncle bob하고 best friend John하고 하나는 기억이 안나네요/
(Future님의 에세이를 고쳐드리면 많은 분들이 보시리라 예상하고 이 글을 씁니다.. Future님특히 죄송하구 ㅎ 다른분들도 피해되셧다면 죄송죄송.)..
횡설수설 죄송합니다^^ |