164) People do many different things to stay healthy. Which do you do for good health? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
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Nowadays there are lots of disease, and people are having their own way to stay healthy. In my own way, I have the hoops, because they are easy to learn, useful and easy to afford.
lots of -> a lot of
disease -> diseases
are having -> have
they are -> it is (단수입니다)
In my own way, I have the hoops, because they are easy to learn, useful and esasy to afford ->
In my own way, I have the hoops는 잘못 쓰였습니다. Hoops is my method of staying healthy 또는 For me, hoops is the best way to stay healthy가 좋습니다,
그 뒤 이유들을 반점으로 연결하는 것도 부적절합니다. 반점 다음에 because가 나온 것 역시 부적절합니다.
1)because를 for로 대입하시든지,
2)not only~but also를 쓰든지,
3)굳이 because를 쓰실 것이라면 반점을 제거하세요.
또, easy to learn 하고 easy to afford에서 easy가 중복되고 있습니다.
따라서, 이렇게 고치는 것이 좋겠습니다.
Nowadays there are a lot of diseases, and people have their own way to stay healthy. For me, hoops is the best way to stay healthy because it is easy to learn, useful, and affordable.
전체적으로 부실합니다. 문장이 2개밖에 안되네요. 내용을 길게 하는 것이 좋겠습니다.
First of all, hoops are easy to learn. Everybody learns how to do hoops. From elementary student to adult, you can easily do hoops by just circle your body with the hoop. Even I learn how to do hoops at 7 years old! Learning how to do hoop is simple as walking.
Everybody learns how to do hoops -> 정말인가요? 학교에서 안 배우는 아이들은 없을까요? 학교에서 수행평가 때문에 배운다든지 등 증거 필요합니다.
student, adult -> students, adults
circle -> circling
learn -> learned
마지막 문장, 괜찮습니다. 이번에도 문장 길이가 짧네요.
Secondly, hoops are very useful and creative. There is lot of ways to play with hoops. As an example do the tricks like going backward, turn around, or jump. You can make dances during hoops, read a book, or watch television. For more, you can call your friends and play hoop trick contest. I know they are fun, because I won the 1st prize before. Accordingly, hoops are playful for one or more.
is -> are
lot of -> a lot of
As an example -> To illustrate, for example, to demonstrate,
the tricks -> tricks
You can make dances during hoops, read a book, or watch television -> During hoops, you can dance, read books and even watch television.
병치구조 제대로 상요하세요.
For more, you can.,,... -> You can even call your friends and have a hoop trick contest!
I know -> 1인칭은 특별한 경우를 제외하면 안 쓰는 것이 좋습니다.
I know they are fun, because I won the 1st prize before -> 이기면 무조건 재미있나요? 진 사람들도 재미있나요? 인과 관계가 맞지 않습니다.
마지막 문장 좋습니다.
Moreover, hoops are easy to carry and afford. There are many exercise machines which is expensive, but hoops are cheep. That's why schools of sport clubs have a bunch of hoops. Plus these days, the company produces a hoop that can be parted and put together. Thus, it is easy to carry. In addition hoops are light and unharmful.
which is -> which are, that are
cheep -> cheap
That's -> That is 생략어구 사용하지 마세요
schools of sport clubs -> schools and sport clubs
Plus these days.... -> In addition, now many companies produce hoops that can be parted and put together. (Plus these days, 는 틀렸습니다.) (the company -> company입니다. the자주 착각하시네요)
(다만 마지막에 parted and put together는 신선한 소재네요)
Thus, it is easy to carry. In addition hoops are light and unharmful
이 문장들은 문법적 오류는 없으나 짧은 감이 있네요(둘다). 연결시켜서 Thus, it is easy to carry, light and safe. 가 부드럽습니다. 또, unharmful보다는 safe가 어감상 좋네요 (위험하지 않다랑 안전하다의 미묘한 어감차이)
Finally, for my personal way, hoop will help me to stay me healthy, for many reasons they are useful, easy, and affordable. Health is important than any work!
Finally보다는 In conclusion, To put it concise, Summing it up, In a nutshell, As mentioned above 등이 훨씬 좋습니다.
첫문장이 너무 길고 복잡하네요 (반점과다사용)
for many reason 다음에 점 찍어서 문장 나누시든지, semicolon 사용하시든지, 이렇게 바꾸세요. 또, they are -> it is
In a nutshell, hoops keeps me healthy becuase it is useful, easy and affordable.이 낫네요.
마지막 문장 괜찮습니다.
또, 독자가 Hoop 가 뭔지 모른다는 생각은 안해 보셨나요?
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전체적으로 보면, 글이 너무 짧아요. 길게 하세요. 내용도 더 구체적으로 쓰시고요.
점수는 3.0~3.5정도 나오겠습니다(CBT기준).
노력하세요!!