▶ Your Answer :
The
evolution of the Internet makes people’s life more convenient. But However, it is
controversial whether using the Internet provides people lots of advantages or
causes disadvantages. This is an interesting question because opinions
concerning this issue can be different depending on individual perspectives. In
my opinion, however, I agree that the Internet gives people many of beneficial information a lot of benefits for the following two subsequent reasons. Especially,
the combination of the Internet and technology have raised the quality of life To begin with quality of life has been improved (이유에 대한 구체적 설명을 하고 난 후에 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다).
For decades, these technological items have spread into our lives and become
inseparable with users. I cannot imagine my life without Internet devices such
as cell phone, laptop, something like that. In the past, people who want to
obtain some information for the study had to go to the library. That was
time-consuming which was time consuming. However, now, people can utilize time effectively and make
lives convenient by using Internet technologies such as a portable tablet,
smartphone, and even IOT. Therefore, the Internet and technology improved our
lives beneficial and more in the future. Also, some
people think getting excessive information causes problems Furthermore, excessive information can lead to more problems. But I think this
thought is a little out of step. Because most of the people who use Internet
technology usually would have an ability that how to figure out a real
Information among a lot of things to figure out a real information (설명이 끝나지 않았습니다). When I was in university, I took a class
that I had to do a presentation about Ando Tadao, who is one of the famous
architects. Although I did not know about him, I could google almost exactly
Information regarding Ando. Therefore, I think that obtaining extremely
information does not create many problems. And we do not have to worry about
seriously.
In
conclusion, I firmly believe that the Internet gives people plentiful information.
It might create some problems, but we do not have to pay much attention to it. All things considered, it is my belief that my
argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with
the reasons mentioned above.
점수: 25 몇몇 부분에 있어서 문제가 보여지는 에세이입니다. 두 번째 단락을 보면 문장이 끝나지 않는 부분들이 보입니다. 문장을 완벽하게 끝내시길 바랍니다. 또한 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 부분들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 플로우를 방해합니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분을 재외하고는 전체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 전달해주고 있는 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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