▶ Your Answer :
Some
people want to rely on their friends or colleagues when they need advices and
helps. They insist that since they are going into similar situations, their
peers are more reliable than adults. However, I agree with that they need to get advice from older adults because elders are in the position to help when they
are in troubles. There is a saying, that the longer they live, the more
experience and maturity they have. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
First
and foremost, as time goes on, people gain more knowledge and experience from
their real life and works. Not everyone, but most of us are developing through
our steps toward our goals in living. are developed from the steps we confront with As you people (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다) can see, many of teenagers and
young men are finding elders to have counseling, which means they think adults
can give comforts and better advices from them. For instance, my cousin was
just wandering around after graduating college because she did not know what to
do. But after talking with her adviser and parents, she found her way out to do
something.
Next
of all, older adults are more matured than us. Furthermore, older people are more matured This can be also related to
having more experiences, such as facing failures and rising up again from the
bottom when they fall. These happenings and experiences can lead them to grow
stronger inside and help them to grow more matured. For example, my mother
always told me that it is a must to listen to her because at her age, she also
complained and refused to follow her parent’s advice but she knew and
understood now why her parents told her those words. To add more, there was a
research from De La Salle University about getting advises from different kinds
of people. Most of them had chosen their parents or professors to get
suggestion or advice, which was showing that younger people are believing that
older people have more presence of minds to solve up something and give
advices. In this regard, I realized that it is true
that there is nothing wrong to follow older adults’ advises and meaningful
sayings.
To
sum up, I agree that getting advice from older adults is better than getting
advice from people like me. Elders have more experiences and maturity than
younger people. For these two reasons I have mentioned above, I strongly agree
with the statement.
점수; 22 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 단락의 균형화 입니다. 지금 이 에세이는 첫 번째 단락은 짧은데 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 길게 서술하였습니다. 따라서 균형을 맞추면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 두 번째 이유 단락이 불필요한 설명들이 많습니다. 이러한 설명들은 에세이를 장황하게 만들기 때문에 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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