▶ Your Answer : Some people insist that a country should improve its schools to progress while others say that there are other important things for a country to take care of. In my opinion, it is the most effective way for a country to improve its schools for several reasons. First of all, improved educational environment is beneficial to all of the citizens in a country because all of the citizens must finish their study in middle school and this leads to the progress of the country. To be specific, every citizen is obliged to finish required course in middle school by the law. Therefore, if a country makes elementary schools and middle schools better places to study, all the people living in the country will take advantage of it. As a school is the only place that all the citizens pass through before they become adults, it should be the first to be renovated by a country to move forward because it will elevate the quality of life of every citizen. On top of that, improving schools is the best investment that a country can do, (콤마 사용 주의해주세요) because schools can foster promising young people. These days brain drain is one of the serious problems in South Korea and China, and these brilliant geniuses go abroad because other countries such as the United States and Germany provides much higher quality of education. As more people study abroad, it is much more difficult for domestic companies to find suitable people to work and it is a big loss to the country. If outstanding students can be satisfied with the educational system, they will not leave their countries and they can contribute to the economical growth by working at companies in their countries. To sum up, a country should focus on improving schools to progress, because all the people can take advantage of it as a school is the only place that everyone uses during the childhood and if the(the 같은 정관사 어디에 사용해야 할지 공부해주세요) schools provide better education to students, they will not go away. Therefore, a country should make an effort to improve schools by developing physically and systematically. I strongly believe this will be a great return to the country in different ways.
눈에 띄는 문법적/문장적 오류 크게 없습니다 다만 콤마같은 문장부호 잊지 않게 작성하도록 해주세요. 작게 보여도 문장의 흐름을 좌우하는 굉장히 중요한 요쇼중 하나이지 주의해주세요. 어휘도 최대한 다양하게 사용할 수 있도록 공부가 더 필요해보입니다. 어휘 너무 기본적인 어휘 위주로만 사용되어서 읽으면서 많이 아쉬웠습니다.
|