제 개인적인 생각입니다만, 멋지고 기발한 내용 보다는 기본적인 문장력이 우선한다고 생각합니다. 최소한 사소한 문법 실수는 없어야겠죠.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Universities should give the same amount of money to their students’ sports activities as they give to their university libraries. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Some people maintain that university students' physical health has the same importance with their intellectual health. However, it cannot be the reason that school should invest the same amount of money to students' sports activities as they invest to libraries. I firmly believe that libraries should be given more money than sports events or facilities are, since libraries are the core of universities and uniformed investment to libraries and sports activities can lower the quality of libraries, which lead to quality of universities low as well.
1) the same ... with ... -> the same ... as ...
2) school -> a school
3) invest to -> invest in
4) than sports events or facilities are -> than are sports events or facilities
5) uniformed -> the uniform
6) lead -> leads
7) quality of universities low -> lower qualities of universities
At first, libraries are the core elements of universities, however, sports activities are not. Schools can exist only with libraries and students. Whereas those only with sports events and students without libraries are not able to get reasons to be in existence. For examples, unless a school is for specialized physical education, nobody wants to go to the school which does not think more crucially than sports events. Therefore, regarding libraries and sports activities equally is unreasonable and universities should organize more money to their libraries than sports activities.
1) , however, -> whereas
2) get -> attain
3) for examples -> for example
4) unless a school is for specialized physical education, nobody wants to go to the school which does not think more crucially than sports events -> 무슨 말인지 모르겠음!!!
5) organize more money to -> organize more money for
Second, if school has to invest same amount of money to both sides, libraries and sports events, it will face the financial crisis about running libraries and it will affect the schools' quality. Except a small number of universities which has great reputation, there are not many schools of abundant budgets. If schools do not have enough money to manage both well, then they should organize more money to more important side. Otherwise, the places needed to be invested in priority, libraries will lose their quality. Collapsing of the management of libraries means directly that universities' quality down. Thus, we should not make a wrong decision to invest the same money to students' sports activities as the libraries, which occurs schools fallen.
1) if school has to -> if schools have to
2) schools' quality -> schools' educational quality, which is the main criteria for judging a school.
3) Except -> Except for
4) which has -> which have
5) of -> with
6) to more important side -> to the more important side
7) invest to -> invest in
8) as the libraries -> as we do in the libraries
9) which occurs schools fallen -> 이상한 표현이네요 ㅜ.ㅡ
Giving great circumstance to exercise to students is one of the important things to be done by schools. However, in universities, sports cannot be regarded as more crucial activities than studying, and organizing the same proportion budgets to both can make schools crisis as I mentioned before. Therefore, I believe that libraries are so much more important than gymnasiums that schools should give more money to them than soccer games.
1) Giving great circumstance to exercise to students -> 무슨 말이죠???
2) regard X as Y -> regard X Y (regard는 이미 as의 뜻을 포함하고 있습니다. consider X as Y는 되지만, regard X as Y는 안됩니다. 그냥 regard X Y 입니다.)
3) proportion budgets -> proportion of budgets
4) make schools crisis -> put the schools on crisis
5) 마지막에 sports를 soccer games으로 대유한 표현 영 어색함