▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether other way (무슨의미인지 모르겠네요) is the best way to become healthier than exercising regularly. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different depending on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that exercising regularly is the best way to become healthier for the following reasons. To begin with, people become healthier regarding to physical aspects. People can build their muscles, speed up their metabolism, and burn calories. This is likely to prevent them from getting sick or overweight. Suppose that you have a positive attitude all the time. Would it be possible to prevent you from getting illness? It is highly doubtful. The only key to become healthier is by working out regularly in daily life. I do admit that people can recover from fatigue by getting enough sleep. However, I believe the advantages of exercising regularly far outweigh those of getting enough sleep concerning the fact that moving a various type of organizations in our body helps people make their body strengthen. (문장을 길게 쓰면서 가독성이 떨어지는 것 같아요. 중간에 한번 끊어서 의미를 명확하게 해주시는게 좋을 것 같아요) For example, when I was a high school freshman, my little brother, Tamin, always caught a cold. He always got enough sleep to get better his body but that did was not effective. One day, I learned about how to prevent cold in my high school physical education class. My physical education teacher said people need to exercise regularly not to get a cold. So I recommended my brother to work out by practicing sports such as jogging and soccer. At that time, Tamin exercised regularly everyday, 3 Three (10 이하의 숫자는 가능한 영어로 써주시는게 좋아요) hours in the morning. Then a month later, he was almost well again. He can was not only able to manage his body but also stay healthy. Thanks to exercise exercising regularly, he can could go to the middle school again. Had it not been for working out, He would not have been able to make the sound body. In conclusion, I firmly believe that exercising regularly is the best way to become healthier. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
예상점수: 17~21 총평: 일단 글에 가독성이 떨어지는 부분이 많아요. 문장을 지나치게 길게 쓰시려다가 그러한 부분이 발생하는데 이럴때는 문장을 짧게 끊어주시는게 더 좋을 것 같아요. 또한 내용 자체는 설득력이 있지만 한개의 reason으로만 이루어져 있어서 글 전체로 봤을 때는 설득력이 떨어지는 것 같아요. 조금 더 여러 면들을 글 안에서 제시해주시면서 써주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다.
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