▶ Your Answer : Some people might think that watching TV is not related with children's studying or even does not decreases their grades. However, in my opinion, TV adversely affects the ability of studying for children for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, prohibiting watching TV can give children an opportunity to be motivated more for learning to learn. TV has various programs that children would be fond of, which could make them lose their interests for learning. Thus, it hinders children from having stimulus to study. For example, I will talk about my experience to illustrate this point. When I was in middle school, I loved to watch TV very much, which made me consider the importance of study trivial. I could not perceive even why I should read books. However, my parents who was shocked my low grades took TV away from (전치사가 들어가야 합니다) home. They wanted me to focus on studying. Without TV, I gradually begin to have a specific motivation to have higher grade and have a chance to know what I should do as a student. Finally, I was so motivated that I could get higher ranks than with TV. From this experience, I realized that TV had deterred me from understanding the reason why I should study.
On top of that, TV distracts children's mind and make them lose concentration for studying. In these days, TV programs have a variety of programs, which are too stimulating for young students. Those can make students not concentrate their school subject and even diminish their abilities of studying. A study was conducted by the Korea Education Association whether watching TV would affect the exam results. There were two groups monitored. The first group was formed of 100 students who were asked not to watch TV. The other group consisted of 100 students were asked to watch TV 5 hours a day. The researchers tracked their studying habits for a month and compared the outcomes. What they found was intriguing. The former one achieved higher grades than they did before watched TV. However, the latter lost their ranks by a big gap. This was because the The (독립형 에세이에서는 this is because는 적절치 않는 표현 입니다) former students were solely concentrated on studying without being disturbed by TV while the latter students were too distracted and lost attention with eager to watch TV series programs. This study demonstrates that TV prevents students from emerging in studying.
To sum up, TV hinders students to have motif and concentrate on their studying. In this regard, I firmly believe that parents should keep their children from watching TV to attain ranks they want to reach in their study field.
점수: 21 일단 지금 이 에세이는 크게 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재합니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 전체적으로 에세이가 너무 장황합니다. 에세이가 장황하다 보면 생기는 문제점은 장황하기 때문에 에세이의 원레 말하려고 하는 본질이 흐트지게 됩니다. 두 번째는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 부분들은 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |