▶ Your Answer :
Most people may think that people attend college or university to have new experiences or prepare their career for future. However, I am highly convinced that increased knowledge is the most important factor to attend university for two indubitable reasons.
First of all, there are a lot of students and professors in university. They can take some classes, debate with other students, and do the advanced research to get undiscovered knowledge. It will be absolutely helpful for people to learn thoroughly about their interesting fields. If they try to increase their knowledge in workplace, they might learn only narrow information related to the work. This is because companies are likely not to increase Companies cannot increase (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) the overall knowledge but to increase work proficiency of workers. For example, when I was a sophomore in university, there was a chance to have a 6-month internship. The requirement of the company was that I had to pause my education and be attention to internship. I talked about the proposal to my professor, and he said that internship may be really beneficial to you, but you need to concentrate on the school not to forget your knowledge. Being given his advice, I refused the proposal from the company and took classes as before. Few years later, I had studied hard and could find my interesting field which is totally different from the internship. I was really interested with that field and decided to enter graduating school. If I had an internship, I might have learned about specific knowledge and taken relative classes of the internship. Moreover, I could not have found my interesting field because of the narrow prospective. For this reason, I think that people who want to increase their knowledge should attend their school and focus on diverse lectures.
On top of that, people can gain new experience through other activities out of campus. To be specific, they can experience through clubs, international activities, or travels. Though these activities, they can meet very different people and understand how they think. In school, however, they only meet similar students, so some people might be bored with talking with them.For instance, one of my friends liked to meet other people to have a new experience. Because of his parent's claim, however, he had to enter university. When he was in school, he was always bored with classes, friends, and activities in the school. So, he decided to quit his school and went travel to find what he really wants. From the travel, he found that he really like to guide someone and let them know about interested information related to places. So, he decided to work as a guide for tourists. If he wanted to learn more about some fields, he should have attended his school. However, he just wanted to have new experiences to truly know who he is. For this reason, a lot of activities are the solution for his life rather than attending university.
Thus, people should attend school or university when they want to learn more about specific fields. If they want to get new experience, I highly consist that they should find much more interesting activities for them.
점수: 21 일단 지금 이 에세이를 읽으면서 가장 크게 느낀 것은 전체적으로 에세이 자체가 너무 장황합니다. 인트로 부터 시작해서 결론까지 너무 장황합니다. 에세이가 장황하다 보니 이 에세이를 통하여서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 이렇게 장황하게 의미를 파악하지 못할 수 있도록 서술하는 것 보다는 좀 더 간결하고 구체적으로 자신의 정보를 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |