▶ Your Answer :
Some people say that parents should
restrict their children in order to guide them a successful life. However, I
think that it would be better to let their children free for two reasons.
To begin with, various experiences are
important for educating children to educate children. However, setting strict rules blocks children
from chance for several experience. to confront with experience Therefore, it seems like bad method for educational
perspective. Also, there is a paper that having various experiences is
especially important for children. The main point is that it is impossible to learn
something without new experience. Every learning is based on several bunch of
different experiences. Therefore, it is hard to expect effective learning method
with limited experience. Also, there is no doubt that child is most important
period for having good education among whole life.
On top of that, parents can’t take care their
children forever cannot take care of children forever (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). Someday, children will become adults and they should be independent
from their parents. If they were restricted from their mother and father when they
were young, they would not know what to do when they become adults. According
to a paper published in Korea, expected life time of present human being is
more than 80 years. Besides, it said that more than 80 percent of Korean become
independent from their parents when they are between twenty and thirty. It
means that most of Korean live without their parents more than 50 years which
seems very long time comparing to time with parents. Therefore, it would be better
strategy to having no restrict on their children so that children could prepare
life without their parent.
To sum up, restricting children is bad for
education and their future life. In this regard, I recommend parents to do not give
strict rules to their children in order to make their life better.
점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이는 전체적으로 불필요한 부연설명들이 많습니다. 이러한 설명들은 에세이로 하여금 장황하게 만듭니다. 에세이가 장황하게 되다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질되게 됩니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 좀 더 간결하게 본인의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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