▶ Your Answer :
There is a controversial
issue whether the extended family is not as important as now than in the
past or not. After taking into consideration of the ideas from several perspectives, I side with the idea that
the large family is still important today for
two reasons. First, people could gain a good counselors. Second, people
would develop their social skills.
To begin with, people can have a great adviser
because elderly members of the family already have been underwent undergone many problems and overcame its them,
so they have more wisdom that helps could help young
people solve their problems which they face. Especially, there are a lot of
difficulties and problems today, so a young
person needs a good adviser. My experience could be a great example. When
upon graduation from university, I was depressed because of the difficulty of getting a job and it was so
stressful. Therefore, my confidence got lower,
and I could not interact with others. However, one day, I consulted with my
uncle about this, and he told me a good advice
and encouraged me. And then, I got a my
confidence went through the roof and made more effort tried
to get a job, so I got a great job opportunity. If I did not talk to him, I
would not have gained the job.
On top of that, People would develop their
social skills because there are people of various
ages and personalities
in the extended family. Thus a member of that family has more chances to that deal with many different situations
than those who does
not live in an extended family. Therefore, members of a big family can more improve their capacity of
to solve the problems. According to a study
conducted by a renowned research center, the
70 percents of the participants agreed that people can enhance social skills from the extended family. (본문 첫 문단과 겹치는 부분들이 있어서 조금 아쉬웠습니다)
To conclude, I strongly believe that my
standpoints of the two reasons are sufficiently convincing.
First a member of an extended family could obtain a great counselor, and
second, belonging to a large family helps people
improve their social skills.
In this regard, I think that
today, the big family is as important as in the
past.
Writing
0-30 Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
21 |
Overall
Comment: |
포인트는 잘 잡으셨지만 본문 두
문단이 조금 겹치는 게 아쉬웠습니다. 또한 본문 두 번째 문단이 첫 문단보다 조금 더 길었습니다. 문법 오류들은 위 지적사항들을
참고하세요. |
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