▶ Your Answer :
Various opinions may exist
over the argument whether is it necessary for colleges and universities to do
better for their students job preparation. As far as I concerned (concern이라는 단어보다 believe가 나을 꺼 같아요.), I agree with the argument. There are two reasons to support my opinion. (자기 의견을 말하기 전에 counterargument를 넣어서 쓰는게 좋을 꺼 같아요. 예를 들면 some people believe it is not necessary for colleges and universities to do better for their students job preparation. Counter argument를 하시고 난 다음에 본인의 argument를 넣으면 좋을 꺼 같아요!) To start with, schools should
hold a job seminar and give students informations about different kinds of jobs so
that students can acquire outcompeting advantages over other candidates in a job
market. Nowadays, students face a fierce competition in a job market since (since 보다는 as를 쓰는게 더 나은 거 같아요, 왜 지금 상황이 경재이 많은지를 설명하는 거니까)
there are many candidates with not so many jobs available (with not so many jobs available 생략 가능). Consequently, it
has become extremely difficult to find a suitable and rewarding jobs. In order to become desirable
job applicants and find a success in their future career, colleges and
universities should prepare job seminar or job programs by opening job clinic
services and lectures about job plans. ( In order for job applicants to find a successful future career, colleges should prepare job seminar by opening job clinic services and lectures on job plans.) According to a private
survey conducted by OO University, an anonymous surveyed respondents answered that
he was helped by job seminar and job programs offerd by
colleages . He also responded that if it had not been for 1:1 clinic job
program, he might not have known the companies and what he really needed factors
to get in a company. (If it had not been for 1:1 clinic job program, he might not acknowledged the company and its medatory documents.) Therefore it is advantageous for students to have a job
seminar and give them important information and help them. (문법에 조금 문제들이 있지만 전체적인 문장 flow나 argument를 support하는 예시들과 설명들이 잘 보여진거 같아요.)
Furthermore, Students find
emotional relief by group study, offered by schools. Because it is
effective for boosting their moods (이 문장은 생략 하셔도 될꺼 같아요 반복되는 문장이라). Today, many students are
weary with too much stress about getting a job. By sharing job information and
communicating with others, they can temporarily forget about their problems and
gain some breathing space. In this respect, creating a study group and letting them to exchange useful informations can be a great
means of refreshing their minds. For example, when my sister
was in college, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became
exhausting routine. Fortunately, she was able to make her life more meaningful
by getting a information more quickly due to group study members. In doing so, she was able to see positive results she contributed to. Many people around her
started to respect her, allowing her to be more confident, optimistic and
strong.
To conclude, taking all of these reasons
into consideration, we should agree with the argument that colleges and
universities should try to help students to prepare a job, since it is
important for schools to offer students job information and make their students
competent in a job market. 먼저 Intro에 필욯한 templet은 (Hook을 먼저 쓰고 counter argument를 쓰신 후에 본인이 문제에 대한 argument를 쓰고 그것을 받쳐주는 이유들을 쓰시면 좋을 꺼 같아요!) 각 바디 첫 부분에 필요한 단어들을 알려 드릴께요 1: firstly, to begin with, to start with 2: Furthermore, moreover, secondly. 3. In conclusion, to conclude. 바디 부분에서는 적절한 예들과 설명들이 잘 보여진거 같아요! 전체적인 flow도 좋았지만 약간의 문법적 오류가 있었어요! 점수: 24
|