▶ Your Answer : Most people think that people should not try out several different occupation before committing to a long-term job. However, I believed that the people should pursue a number of distinctive jobs before commuting to a long-term occupation. This is because, it would broaden your perspective and you could meet and exerience a lot of people for the following two subsequent reasons. To be specific, it would be able to widen your horizons To begin with, people can broaden their perspective. If you tried out various things, you could think flexibly when you do other job If people try out different things, people can do work easier (독립형 에세이에서는 you 를 서술하면 안됩니다). For example, my sister dived into the assorted occupation field, such as directing, managing the company, working at everywhere wanted her, for her career before applying for a company where she wanted. After a year, she worked for the company but when she was doing an important project there was a big problem in the progress of the project however it was solved in a short time due to her flexibility.
On top of that, you could meet a myriad of diverse people and undergo happy and hard situation by many different personality. virtually we cannot buy this experience by money so this would be a really potential experience in your life so that you might be more friendly and feel comfortable to making a relationship and to fitting in strange atmosphere. For instance, I was not good at being friendly to others and fitting in working place wuickly is the most hardest thing for me. But I experience several jobs, I became more sociable person because I had lots of time with many people at numerous place I worked. To sum up, if the people choose a long-term job after tying out multiple jobs. First, your perspective would be widened. Second, you coluld meet many people. For these reason, people should attempt many different job before doing lonr-term occupation.
점수: 21 일단 지금 이 에세이는 두 가지 부분에 있어서 문제가 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째 부분은 구어체가 많습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다. 두 번째 문제점은 전체적으로 너무 장황합니다. 에세이가 장황하다 보니 전체적으로 에세이가 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 간결하게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |