▶ Your Answer :
It is controversial for
people how to spend money. Some people think that it is worse to spend money on
trips than put it aside for the future. In my opinion, however, I think that it
is better to spend money on travel than save money for future for the following
two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, traveling can relieve stress. People usually stress out in many
things, which school works, personal association, financial matter. Stress district hinders (stress는 단수 주어 입니다) effective works. So it is important to relieve stress. Traveling is the
good way to get rid of stress. For example, when I was, I stressed
out from (전치사가 들어가야하는 부분입니다) school works. So my grades were decrease leading to the decrease in grade. I was very worried about
that. My mom advised me to go on a trip to a trip (전치사가 잘못 활용 되엇습니다). So I went to trip to
Japan. It was so interested. I could relieve stress interesting that I could relieve stress. After traveling,
my grades got better. According the research conducted by university of
California, 78 percent of respondents think that traveling has
effect to relieve their stress. (한 단락 안에서 너무나 많은 예시를 서술하려고 합니다)
On top of that, traveling make makes people to broaden people's
perspective. We can meet different people
through traveling. Talking with diverse people, we can get
wide view point. For instance, my brother had
a bias to Chinese. He thought that Chinese did not usually
take a shower, thus Chinese are very dirty. One day he went China to study and
make made (과거형으로 시작한 예시는 과거형으로 서술하시길 바랍니다) many Chinese friends. Spending much time with his Chinese friends, He realized it
is wrong think that Chinese were dirty.
To
sum up, I firmly believe that it is better spending money to travel around the
world. This is because, traveling can relieve stress and make people to broaden their perspective.
점수: 22 일단 각 단락들이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 한 단락에 너무나 많은 예시를 서술하려고 하는 경향이 있는 것 뿐만 아니라 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 부분들은 에세이 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 내용이 너무 빈약합니다 좀 더 구체적으로 설명하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
|