▶ Your Answer : Some people think that people have to use more time to work than to be with their family. However, in my opinion, it is better to spend more time being with family with family for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, I think when people are together with their family is the happiest people are happy with their family. They always enjoy hanging out with their family members. Whenever they go to picnic or go to watch a movie, they usually go there with my family (좀 더 이유에 대하여서 구체적으로 설명을 하고난 후에 에시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다). For example, when I was high school students, I spent most of my time studying lots of subjects because I should enter an university. At that time, I got really stressful. So, I sometimes fought with my family members due to only trivial things even with trivial things. I was so depressed and lonely while preparing for entering an university. I even regretted to follow my parents' advises that I have to go to the university. However, When I finished all high school life, I could finally enter an university. So, I could have more time with my family and I felt that my family is the most important in my life. When i was in the high school, I forgot that the time when I was together with my family is the most happiest moment.
On top of that, relationship with family members plays important role in people's works. To be specific, If there are so many problems in their household, people will not be able to concentrate on their own jobs will not concentrate on their work. For instance, there was a poll conducted by the Korean Ministry of employment with businessmen as a respondent. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view about the statement that connection with family can have influence on quality of people's works. The majority of the respondents admitted the statement. An overwhelming 94 percent of respondents had responded that their working condition is always affected by their family. The reasons are that bad Bad relationship with family not only makes people depressed and but also makes it difficult for them to do their own businesses. This survey proves that people's works can be influenced by relationship with their family.
To sum up, time being together with family is the happiest moment and family relationship can affect businessmen's working environment. In this regard, I firmly believe that there are no more important things than spending time with family.
점수: 21 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 가장 부족한 부분을 보이고 있는 부분은 이유에 대한 구체적 설명입니다. 지금 이 에세이의 경향을 보면 이유를 구체적으로 서술하지 않는 사이에 예시로 넘어가는 경향이 있습니다. 이러한 부분은 에세이의 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 무조건 이유에 대해서 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 어색한 표현들이 많습니다 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |