▶ Your Answer :
Some people
might think that automobiles have made a great impact on society than
airplanes. However, in my opinion, I believe that airplanes definitely have
affected the society greater than cars. The reasons for this are that airplanes
have contributed to the globalization, and international trades for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 서술할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 장황하게 설명할 필요가 없습니다).
To begin with,
airplanes made a great effort to stimulate globalization. Traveling another
country became much more convenient by taking the airplane, and people began to
be familiar with more diverse countries as they travel. Research conducted by a
renowned professor called Tim Kawenski from Northwestern University, indicates
that since the flight have been commercialized has become commercialized, immigrants has increased more
than ten times before, which prevails over other transportations such as train,
boat, automobile have been greatly increased. According to this research, the flight enabled much more
people to not only visit other places, but also to study, search their career, and
emigrate to the other countries, which leads to a globalized world. Thus, this
research supports my opinion that the airplane had significant impact on
globalization.
On top of that,
the overall economy has boosted due to the availability of fast international trades.
In other words, airplanes made sending products to other countries much fast
and convenient than before. According to a research conducted by the institute
of international trade, the overseas sales volume of domestic food products has
skyrocketed due to airfreight have skyrocketed. When shipping was the main route to trade, due
to the long shipping term, they were not able to export fresh food products
since they are likely to decay. However, shipping by flight enabled a broad
range of food products to be exported, and thus led a great improvement of food
industry.
To sum up, I
firmly believe my explanations above explicitly prove that flights have given
more impact on society than automobiles. Obviously, the significance of its
contribution to globalization and international trades cannot be overemphasized
enough.
점수: 23 일단 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이의 플로우를 많이 방해합니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지를 하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 불필요한 부연설명들이 많습니다. 이러한 부분들을 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |