▶ Your Answer : There has been an argument regarding the issue of whether cars have made a greater impact on society than airplanes. Some people maintain that airplanes have had a more influence than cars on the society as a whole. From my perspective, however, cars have brought bigger changes on society. In this essay, I will present two reasons to support my idea. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, cars have made uncountable changes on society (uncountable change라고 하셨는데 어떤 것인 지를 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다). After advent of cars, many different kinds of industries developed have been developed. Since cars require fuel to move, oil industry grew drastically. Because of the effort of cars producers to make quality cars as many as possible in a short period of time With the help of cars producers to produce cars as many as possible, industries of steel and automobile accessories grew. Furthermore, every road in cities got paved so that cars can run on it, and horses and carriages disappeared in roads. Besides, people’s job occupations changed. A lot of people are working in car industry or in other industries related to cars. Many historians claim that the advent of cars was the most crucial event on earth before advent of Internet. (마무리 부분을 통해서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다) Moreover, cars have had negative influences on our environment. Each car produce produces (each는 단수 주어 입니다) tons of CO2, and there are innumerable numbers of cars on earth. This proves how much CO2 cars produce, and contaminate our environment. The CO2 produced by car engines pollute atmosphere. And when it mixed with rain When such pollutants are mixed with rain, and fall down to ocean or lake, it causes water pollution as well. Many studies clearly shows show (studies는 복수 주어 입니다) that one of the most serious factor of contamination of our environment is CO2 produced by cars. In a nutshell, my contention is that cars have made a much greater impact on society than planes. This is because the advent and growth of cars have conspicuously changed our lives and that the most serious air and water pollution is caused by cars.
점수: 22 일단 문법적 부분에 있어서는 단수 복수 주어에 따라서 명확한 동사 형태를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재 합니다. 또한 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이 플로우를 방해하는 역활을 하기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |