▶ Your Answer : Some people
might think that it is not good for children aged from 5 to 8 years old to play
video games for learning to learn. However, in my opinion, I strongly believe that using
video games could be useful tool for studying for following reasons.
To begin
with, it is hard for young children to concentrate on text books. Imagine that
young children are sitting at the desk and solving problems over two hours.
Would it be possible to concentrate on text books? The answer will be
"no". they cannot fully focus on studying (독립형 에세이에서는 의문형을 서술하면 안됩니다) The only way to make them to study effectively would be
learning by games. study efficiently is to play video game (make뒤에는 동사 원형입니다) A study conducted by a group of education majors to
determine whether video games could affect children ages 5 to 8. There were two
groups were monitored. First group was formed of people who solved the math
problems by video game. They were asked to take tests to measure their level of
math. The other group consisted of people who solved the math problems by text
book and were given the same direction. The researchers compared the outcomes
and recorded that the former group had significantly higher math test scores.
The reason was that they enjoyed studying when they played games (좀더 게임을 하는 것과 높은 점수가 나온것에 대한 상관관계를 더 서술하시길 바랍니다)
On top of
that, children can stress out by playing games. Having the outlet for stress
have has (ing뒤에는 항상 단수 주어 입니다) a meaning itself since it helps one regain energy and have strength to go
on. These days, people have pressure not only physically and mentally. As
learning academics by using games, students could relieve stress. For instance,
after my sister entered the elementary school, she had a lot of assignments to
learn alphabet. She got a lot of stress and she did not want to do homework any
more. One day, her mom bought a video game helping to memorize English
alphabet. It was really interesting for her and easy to learn compared to reading
books.
To sum up, it
is hard to make children concentrate on text books and they can get rid of stress.
In this regard, I firmly believed, using video games are efficient way to learn
for young children for the reasons I mentioned above.
점수: 22 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 주기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 예시 마무리 부분이 너무 아쉽게 끝이 납니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 상관관계등을 보여주시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |