▶ Your Answer : To begin with, children can relieve
the stress by enjoying the peace of rural life. Having the outlet for stress has
a meaning in itself since it helps one regain energy and have strength to go
on. These days, people have pressure not only physically but also mentally.
After living in country side, people will be able to get back on track.can get back on track. For
instance, when I was a high school student I was really stressful because of excessive
competition for entrance exams. Especially, Gangnam where I lived is the place which
is famous about education fever. famous for education. I asked to my father to live in country side
and we moved out. Therefore, I could stress out and feel comfortable in
leisurely life. In addition, I could concentrate on my study better escaping from
pressure of competition.
On top of that,
children could stay healthy because of natural environment. As time goes by, air,
water, soil pollution of urban areas is going to be serious. can become more serious. This environmental
problem would be fatal to children. To be specific, the importance of health should
be prioritized. Without good health, nothing can be achieved. Like there is a
saying, "Sound body, sound mind", keeping in shape enables children to
maximize academic achievement and be healthy. In this sense living in the
countries would be of great help. To give an anecdote, I had a brother who had
asthma since birth. He was suffered to live in big city because he was always
coughing. Our parents decided to move to rural areas for caring him. Surprisingly,
he suddenly stopped sneezing and finally recovered from disease.
To sum up, children who
are students could stress out and have healthier life. In this regard, I firmly
believed that children would rather live in country side than big cities for
the reasons I mentioned above.
점수: 23 일단 인트로가 어디있나요? 독립형 에세이에서 인트로가 하는 역할은 에세이의 방향성을 잡아주는 것 입니다. 에세이의 주제나 방향성이 잡혀져야지만 이 에세이를 통해서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 알 수 가 있게 됩니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이는 인트로 자체가 없기 때문에 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 또한 너무 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |