▶ Your Answer : As the world is becoming more complex has become more complex with the flow of time, people are becoming busier. Therefore, people tend to think that there is nothing important than their own benefit and ignore others who really need someone's help. However, this is not what the ideal world looks like. In order to respect and help others, people have to learn about 'help' when they are young. This is because you can't live without others and it is really important for your life. (따라서 본인의 주장이 무엇인가요? 주장이 명확하게 나와잇지 않습니다)
First of all, human is a social animal. Thus we cannot live without connection with others, which means building a good relationship is crucial to all of us. As we all know, being helpful is the key point of making a good relationship. For example, when I was in high school, one of my classmates broke her leg so she could not walk to the cafeteria to eat lunch. I really wanted to help her when I heard this situation, hence, my friends and I bought some foods at the school cafeteria and took it to her everyday. This was not easy to do this everyday just for her, but we could not stand our classmate stay class and eat nothing during the lunch break. She thanked us a lot and after her leg got better, she treated us to dinner and we became best friends.
Second, helping others is crucial in your life. (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다) Even though we always have to compete on everything these days, we have to care for others. If we do not care for others, we will become so selfish. We do have competition in our lives and we all want to win on the competition, but there is more important thing than that. To give an anecdote, my sister was really stressed out abut Korean SAT when she was in high school. This is because my My (this is because는 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) sister thought she had to do great on the Korean SAT or she would be ignored in the society. However, my mom told her even if she failed on her test, no one would judge her by her score since my sister is a caring person. After this conversation with mom, my sister felt less stressed about the test and eventually she did great on her test.
To sum up, human can live together by helping each other so being helpful is apparently the most important concept to live in the society. In this regard, 'being helpful' is the most important value to share with a young child.
점수: 24 일단 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 인트로에서 명확하게 자신이 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지를 서술하는 것이 가장 중요할 거 같습니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 인트로에서 명확하게 자신의 주장을 잘 설명하고 있지 않습니다. 따라서 인트로를 좀 더 명확하게 자신의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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