▶ Your Answer :
Many old people miss their memories in twenties for many (반복이니 various 등으로 대체해주세요) reasons.
In the age of twenty, you start your life as an independent and responsible
person. There is no one to blame for your actions. In this regard, some people
say the most important period in a person’s life is in twenties while others do not don’t. I believe both sides have their own reasons to support their views. If I
were asked to choose between two options, I would certainly agree to the idea
that a person’s life in twenties is the most important period in life.
To begin with, when people are in the age of their twenties, they are
free to meet many kinds of people in everywhere. Spending time with many people could bring a chance to broaden our perspectives. There are so many diverse
people of different backgrounds. Such
exposure is likely to help us to recognize that there are different values and
ultimately make us more comfortable with it. For example, when I was in university, I saw one of my roommate was having his
meal with bare hands. I was very shocked and started to keep distance from him.
However, after spending several weeks with my foreign friends from other
countries in a soccer club, I got used to this cultural difference. I
started to realize that my roommate and I just had different eating styles but
had a lot in common in a way
that we all care about our friends and family. I no longer felt awkward with him and since then we became best friends. This lesson shows that I would not have been able to broaden my perspectives if I had not interacted with many people in the my twenties.
Secondly, twenties is the most
important period because it shapes people’s attributes (조금 어색한 표현입니다) that help them achieve
greater success. In life. Personal traits established from an early age are
difficult to change as the old saying goes, “Old habits die hard.” When people develop
good personal traits, it is likely to bring about a better result in their lives.
For example, Oxford University found a huge difference of between two groups of people spending
their spare time at the age of twenty. One group consisted of those who had kept
regular hours for their professional self-development, and the other group was
made up of those who had spent their leisure time freely (이 부분은 긍정적인 것처럼 들리고 있는데 뒤에서는 안좋은 결과를 나타냈다고 해서 설명이 헷갈립니다). The researchers later
found that the former group was more likely to get a promotion faster than the
latter group. In addition, the first group showed a longer attention span, a
stronger passion in their tasks, and a better ability to delay gratification.
On the other hand, the second group tended to get distracted easily,
procrastinate, and act on impulse. This implies that how one spends their twenties
is the key to success.
To sum up, I believe that
spending time in the age of twenty is the most important period in our life for
the reasons I mentioned above. All in all, having a chance to meet many
different people should not be overlooked.
Score: 15 Comments: - 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. - 문법 실수가 조금 있습니다. - 서론이 많이 긴 것 같아요. 1~2문장 컷해주시면 좋겠습니다. - 본론2의 토픽 센텐스를 조금 더 이해하기 쉽게 해주시면 좋겠어요. 현재 토픽 센텐스는 애매합니다. 내용을 확실히 전달해줄 문장이 필요해요. - 본론1에서는 왜 20대가 특별히 더 다양한 사람들을 만날 수 있는지 설명해주셔야 합니다. 30대와 40대와의 차이점이 무엇인지 확실하게 해주셔야 설득력이 있어요.
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