▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether strict rules are necessary for children to obtain success. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different depending on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that parents should set strict rules for their children to succeed in life for the following reasons. To begin with, strict rules accompany an important educational process. To be specific, strict rules create opportunities for children, which as a result allows them to obtain valuable information, stay ahead, and attain personal growth. Strict rules require children to be diligent, passionate, and self-disciplined. When these personal traits are developed, it is likely to bring a better result in their life. Also having lived a long time, parents have already experienced many things in life, and they have a bigger view on matters such as how to succeed and how to live happily. For example, Yuna Kim, who was the famous skating player in Korea, made great accomplishments in her life time. I read her interview in online that she was really successful because of her parents educated Yuna by using strict rules such as waking up 6 am, and exercising 8 hours a day. She started skating at 7 years old. Sometimes Yuna wanted to relax and enjoy a lot of activities, but her mother made her do exercise regularly. While learning by mother's strict rules, she could learn various valuable lessons such as responsibility and a sense of independence. Ten years later, Yuna could become a the world champion. It lasted for 12 years. She said thanks to parents' rules, she could succeed in her life. Through her experience, I realized that parents have to should set strict rules for their children. Had it not been for living by the strict rules, she Yuna would not have been a world champion in skating. In conclusion, I firmly believe that parents have to set strict rules for their children to obtain success. All things considered, it is belief that my argument regarding this topic has been precisely and effectively delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
예상점수: 24~28 총평: 일단 영어 문법적으로는 큰 문제가 없으신데 조금씩만 조심하시면 될 것 같아요. 구성에 대해서 얘기하자면 내용은 좋지만 조금 더 세분화해서 2가지 또는 3가지 이유로 나누어서 얘기하셨다면 설득력이 더 강했을 것 같습니다. 예시도 물론 좋지만 거기에 너무 많은 설명을 하시느라(같은 내용이 반복된 부분도 많구요) 글 전체의 설득력은 조금 떨어졌던 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다.
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