▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that selecting a job
which is included in a different field from their parents` is good because of
individual freedom. However, I think it is better to get a job highly related
to parent’s job for some reasons.
First of all, they (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상은 원관념을 밝혀 적어주세요.) can be learned from
their parents learn and get advice from their parents which is really helpful through their life. To be
specific, there are several techniques which can be obtained by doing the same work
for more than many years and this is key to success in a certain field. They can
access to that kind of information so easily using their parent’s experience in
this case. For example, I read a book that explaining how to make sushi.
According to book, in Japan, the culture that parent who had made sushi more
than 40 years teach the technique to the son is developed. (김밥 만드는 법을 설명하는 책에서 일본의 저런 내용이 나오는 건 그닥 자연스럽다고 보기 어렵습니다. 차라리 김밥의 역사에 관한 책으로 바꾸던지 해서 조금 더 위화감이 없게 해주세요.) So (문장을 and but so 로 시작하지 말아주세요!) compared to other
countries like Korea, industry related to sushi is highly has much higher
value. (지금 이 글은 개인에 대해 집중되어야 하므로 지금과 같은 사회적 가치는 전혀 서술할 필요가 없습니다.)
Second, there are infrastructures that
parent had prepared for their son (아들로만 한정지어서는 안 됩니다.). For instance, facilities like store or
machines to run the process or customers who liked their parent’s product can
be function as backgrounds for the initial stage. Although the a successful
result in long term depends on the individual ability, these back grounds are
really powerful. For example, one of my relatives started a pizza store and his
friend also started one similarly. But (여기도 마찬가지입니다.) my relative achieved much higher result
because his parent and other relatives helped him to have his own store, which
was opened by his parent 20 years ago. In addition, they recommended his shop to
others. I believe that trivial gap like these support from family can lead to a differential point in life.
To sum up, I really recommend to have jobs
related to their parent’s job because the techniques, infrastructure and
support from their family can be a great advantage to your start. (권장한다기보다는 '~가 낫다' 정도의 선에서 끝내주시면 되고, 또한 2인칭 주어를 사용해서는 안 됩니다.)
총평: 예시를 두 개 넣어주셨는데 사실 둘 다 그닥 자연스럽다고 볼 수는 없습니다. 많이 양보해서 본론 두 번째 문단은 표현상의 문제이고 내용은 적절하다고 하더라도, 본론 첫 번째 문단의 경우는 웬만하면 바꿔주시는 게 좋아요. 사회적인 관점에서 보는 것도 적절하지 않고, 내용 자체도 억지로 끼워넣은 느낌이 많이 들기 때문입니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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