▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether the opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more significant to younger people than they are to older people. In general, some people might say that celebrities’ opinions do not have a crucial impact on the lives of younger people. In my opinion, however, I strongly believe that the celebrities’ opinions have the tremendous power of influence on younger people for the following two subsequent reasons.
First and foremost, the opinions of renowned people can considerably affect children. Since the celebrities are exposed through a wide array of mass media, children tend to imitate their appearance and thinking (이유에 대한 구체적 설명을 더 하시고 난 후에 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다). For example, when my younger sister was an elementary school student, she was fond of an idol singer, who is Rihanna. the idol star refuted the government’s statement that students in high school should wear a school’s uniform. My younger sister agreed with the idea and she went to school without a uniform. Her teacher returned her to home and gave a bad score in terms of the attitude rate of students. Finally, she got a low attitude evaluation and disappointed my parents. Through this experience, I realized that the opinions of celebrities could affect kids directly who have no ability to think judiciously.
In addition, embracing the celebrities’ opinions will be a good chance to know a variety of areas broaden perspectives. Since younger people have to study and work routinely, it is highly difficult for young people to know another field. Furthermore, working older people such as parents and grandparents cannot give their children indirect chances because adults in modern times have limited experience due to their works and jobs. For instance, a poll conducted by the Johns Hopkins University with 400 students in a high school as respondents is a good example of this. The purpose of the survey was to determine a consensus view about the influence of famous people. An overwhelming 84 percent responded that the celebrities’ behaviors and idea allow them to think imaginatively and access to various fields such as fashions, cosmetics, and dance performances. Moreover, they admitted that they selected their major by considering their favorite celebrity’s occupation.
In conclusion, the opinions of celebrities could have a huge impact on young people’s lives negatively, and students can acquire diverse perspectives and a variety of fields so that they chose their majors and works. In this regard, with powerful influence, the famous people’s opinions are more critical to younger people than they are to elder people these days.
점수: 26 일단 첫 번째 단락에서 이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 바로 예시로 넘어가는 것 보다는 이유에 대한 구체적 설명을 하고 난 후에 에세이를 서술하는 것이 좋습니다. 이러한 부분을 재외하고는 전체적으로 자기가 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지를 잘 보여주는 독립형 에세이입니다. 각 단락에서의 구체적 설명과 적절한 예시 사용은 왜 아이들이 유명인사들에게 영향을 많이 받는지를 잘 설명해주고 있습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |