▶ Your Answer : Many people might think that television and movies have more
positive effects than negative effects on children’s behavior. However, in my
opinion, I think there are more negative influences. I feel this way for two
reasons, which I will explore on the following essay. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with,
the mass media such as television and movies could lead the kids to involve in
some dangerous situation. This is because, when When (this is because는 적절한 표현 선택이 아닙니다) the children without perception
watch such a violent and brutal video, they can imitate those situation or
action. Thus, they could trigger a bad circumstance. I would use my personal
experience as an example; my family went to cousin’s home on Thanksgiving. My eleven
year old causing was watching a Hongkong drama named ‘My Neighbor’ which
includes a lot of action scene with guns and knives. He felt that sights are
incredibly awesome so he started to follow the motions grabbing a toy blade. Suddenly,
the toy hit the vessel beside him and his foot was injured by some debris of
the vessel (따라서 마무리 부분을 통해서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인가요?).
On top of that,
children can face amiss information through TV and movies. People who participate
in making movies or videos prone to distort, add and remove some scene in the
movie for fun. But, teenagers who do not have enough knowledge of history and culture could believe the wrong thing. For instance, I saw ‘The
Girl’ that is a Korean history movie. Virtually, father of the main character
should have been dead before she achieves the goal however the director had
given a change to the story. Her father did not die until the movie ends. There
were many children in the theater so I think they could not have any problem or
believe the movie as a real story with the movie unless their parents teach them
the correction.
For these
reasons, I mentioned above children’s behavior will be affected by bad impact of
television and movies more than good impact.
점수: 26 일단 지금 이 에세이는 마무리 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재합니다. 각 단락의 마무리 부분을 통하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 좀 더 구체적이고 명확하게 마무리 부분을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분을 재외하고는 전체적으로 자신의 주장이 잘 보여주고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 각 단락의 구체적 설명들을 통하여서 왜 티비나 무비가 아이들에게 안 좋은 영향을 미치는지를 잘 보여주고 잇습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |