▶ Your Answer : Many people might think that television and movies have more positive effects than negative effects on children’s behavior. However, in my opinion, I think there are both TV programs and films have more negative influences on them. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore on the following essay. To begin with, the mass media such as television and movies could lead the kids to involve in some dangerous situations. (Such as?) This is because, when the children without perception watch such a violent and brutal video without perception, they can might imitate those situation or action. (Why they imitate behaviors shown in TV or Video?) Thus, they it could trigger a bad circumstance. I would use my personal experience as an example; my family went to cousin’s home on Thanksgiving day. My eleven-year-old (Nephew/Niece) causing was watching a Hong Kong drama named ‘My Neighbor’ which includes a lot of action scenes with guns and knives. He felt that sights are those are incredibly awesome so he started to follow the motions grabbing a toy blade. Suddenly, the toy that he swang hit the vessel beside him, and it was broken into several pieces which hurt and his foot was injured by because some debris of the vessel were spread just next to where he was. (Need conclusion) On top of that, children can face amiss information through TV and movies. People who participate in making movies or videos are prone to distort, add and remove some scenes in the movie for making it more fun and stimulating. But, teenagers who do not have enough knowledge of history and culture could believe the wrong thing as it is shown. For instance, I saw ‘The Girl’ that is a Korean history movie. Virtually, the father of the main character should have been dead before she achieves the goal. However, the director had given a change to the story. Her father did not die until the movie ends. There were many children in the theater so I think they could not have any problem or believe the movie as a real story with the movie unless their parents teach them the correction. (Clarify the meaning) For these reasons, I mentioned above children’s behavior will be affected by bad impact of television and movies more than good impact.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3
| 2 | 3 | Score | Fair 16-19 | - TV 와 movie를 따라하는 아이들의 특성을 첫 번째 글의 초반에 설명해주셔야겠습니다. - 예시의 설명을 상세히 보여주시면 더 설득력있는 글이 나올 수 있을 것 같아요. - 두 번째 topic sentence인 face라는 부분은 다음 문장인 information과 적절히 어울리지 않는 부분이에요. - amiss 는 명사 앞에 쓰이지 않습니다. false /exaggerated 라는 형용사로 대체하시면 좋겠네요. - 의미가 모호한 문장들의 수정이 필요해보입니다.
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